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Ican’t.
Fuck, the havoc it would bring on my life, even if it were for the right reasons.Forlove.Forhonest toGodtrue love.Soeverything hangs in a balance thatI’mhaving difficulty maintaining.AllIknow isthat manneeds me and loves me.Hehas given me everything and sacrificed so much for my hang-ups and guilty conscience.Fora moment,Lukehad almost everything he wanted withRacheland me.
Now?It’snever going to be the same, because a baby is not temporary.
Sowhat now?Ishe going to choose to be alone for years and years?Forever?
Astinging pain pierces my heart.Maybeafter living away from home for a while,Ican find the balls to have a relationship with him, one that includes…what?Shit!Idon’t even know whatI’mthinking right now.
IwishIcould turn off my brain.Ifonly it was that easy to give him everything he needs and deserves.Idid whatIcould.Igave more thanIthoughtIever would.Ididn’t lie to him.Ihavethought about it.Idid want to taste him, and now thatIstill can…Iwant more.
Thisis torture.I’mtumbling down a bottomless rabbit hole wondering ifIwill ever feel satiated.Isit even possible to have enough?
Iwant the three of us together like it was.Forsome damn reason, that felt like the most right thingIhave ever experienced.Itwas as if the world felt complete, andIhad a place in it.Iwonder if the baby isGod’sway of telling meIam wrong.
Andyet,Ijust crossed another line.
Thesky is barely purple when we return.Lukedismounts and waits for us to catch up.HepatsShadowlovingly as we approach alongside him andSpirit.
“I’lltake them to the water.”Histone is flat, andIworry he’s regretting what happened.
Shadowslows to a stop.Idismount and handLukethe reins. “Arewe…you know, okay?”
Luke’seyes are full of golden fire, and they look me over as if they could peel away my skin and see my soul.Hisfinger glides up the back of my arm.
“Yeah,I’mjust trying not to lose it before we get back into the tent.”
What’sgoing to happen when we do?Heleans in to place his lips next to my ear as heated anticipation washes over me.
“I’lltake care of the horses.Gowait for me.”Hiseyes travel down my chest before he reaches up and yanks my shirttail from my jeans.
“Luke…”
Hisfingers caress my skin just above the waistband of my jeans.Theintense look in his eyes softens.
“Iknow, baby.Don’tremind me whatIcan’t do, just trust me.”
Itake my time walking to where we’ve set up camp.I’mat a loss.Idon’t know ifIshould build a fire or go directly to the tent.Idecide to sit and watch him in the distance.Thereis just enough moonlight thatIcan make out his form on the riverbank.Whenhe begins to lead them back,Iduck into the tent.
Idon’t know whether to sit or lie down.Ihave no idea what’s about to happen.Theflap opens just asIsit on my pallet.Hetosses his hat to his side of the tent.
Hesmirks at me. “Youlook nervous.”
Ilet out a breath. “I’mjust worried…”
Hefalls to his knees and pats my chest. “Iknow.Don’tbe.It’sme,Luke.Remember?”
Ilie back and close my eyes.Heyanks each of my boots off my feet.Whenhis hands slide from my knees to my crotch,Iopen my eyes real quick.Hishands are spread wide over the denim covering my thighs.Theyease to a stop, framing my crotch.Igo from zero to sixty in nothing flat when his thumbs brush over my balls.
Hesmiles devilishly.Iprop up on my elbows, keeping an eye on his hands, and wondering what the fuck he’s going to do next.
“Whatyou did for me on the side of the mountain felt incredible,Evan.”
Fuckme!That’sthe voice he uses when he’s aroused.Itis so deep and powerful that it causes the air around us to vibrate.
Hesits back and begins removing his clothes.Firsthis jacket, then his shirt.Iwatch with rapt attention as his fingers fondle each button.Hisbelt is next, but he only unbuckles it, leaving it hanging open.It’sthenInotice that the top two buttons of his jeans are still unfastened from earlier.Theurge to taste him again has my mouth watering.Ilick my lips and wonder if he wants me to do it again.
Whenhis torso is bare, he begins removing my clothes, but he doesn’t stop onceI’mshirtless.Hecontinues unbuttoning my jeans and pulling the zipper down so slowly,IthinkImight die.Myheart is pounding so hard,Iam shaking with each heavy thudding beat.
