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“Wait…is that?”
“Yes, it seems this little one is a thumb sucker.”
Irun my hand across my mouth, in shock.Howcan this be real?Butthere it is, on a screen with bad reception, moving and sucking their thumb.
“Heartlooks strong too.”Shepoints to a flickering on the screen.
“That’sthe heart?”
“Isn’tit cool?”Rachelasks.
Cool?It’smind-blowing!Thatlittle flicker is fast, too fast to be normal, but the doctor doesn’t seem to be concerned.
“Ican see the sex this time.Doyou want to know?”
I’mdumbfounded.It’sthe most amazing thingIhave ever seen.
“Luke?Luke?”Rachelshakes my hand to get my attention.
“What?”Iask, a little annoyed.
“Youwant to know the sex?”
WhenIlook at her, she’s smiling with so much hope and expectation. “Youdon’t know?”Imean it had never occurred to me to ask, butIhad assumed she knew.
“Wehaven’t been able to get a clear view until today,”Dr.Sumnerssays.
“Doyou want to know?”Iask her.
Tearswell in her eyes. “Ido now that you’re here.”
Inod as a lump grows in my throat.
“Wewant to know,”Rachelsays excitedly.Ican’t take my eyes off of her.Sheis so fucking beautiful that it’s paralyzing.
“It’sa girl.”
Rachel’seyes grow as wide as her dimpled smile.Thetears begin streaming down her face soIreach up and wipe them away. “Agirl!” she says to me.
“Agirl?”Ilook to the doctor. “Areyou sure?”
“Absolutely!”
Turningmy attention back to the screen,Ifeel my own tears slip down my cheek.That’smy baby sister?
Likea deer caught in headlights,I’manchored to the floor, watching the static change and morph into a tiny person’s leg, arm, skull, and then that little heart that’s beating like a hummingbird’s wings.It’sfascinating.
Therest of the visit is a blur for me.Racheland the doctor talk, but once the doctor hands me paper pictures of my sister,Iland back in the chair and look over each of them carefully.Thereis no escaping the reality that this is truly happening.Itisn’t that it hadn’t seemed real before, but this…is a whole other level.Inthis moment, my heart is so full of joy for the tiny life growing inRachel’sbelly.
HowcouldIhave been angry that she was pregnant?Ijust didn’t understand…somehow,Iwas completely unable to comprehend the gravity of what that meant.Now?NowI’moverwhelmed, and thankful that this little girl will be in our lives.
* * *
EVAN
Itis the same holiday celebration as always, but for me, it is completely different.Thesame twelve-footChristmastree extends from the living room floor nearly to the roof on the second floor.Theornaments are the same, all white and red, the wayMomlikes them.Ioften wonder about people who have trees filled with random ornaments, where each has some sort of meaning.Theseare chosen for their design, and how well they match the red velvet ribbon tree topper.
Eachyear myMomdecorates a perfectly beautifulChristmastree—and it’s meaningless.Iam only just now realizing how impersonal and cold it feels.Itis probably not the tree decorations that are making the holiday feel cold and empty for me.ImissLukeandRachel.Istill see them, spend time withLuke, butImiss the love they gave me.Onlynow amIrealizing how deprived of acceptance and affectionIhave been my entire life.Afterthe way they have loved me, how couldIbe the same?
