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Iclose the car door. “Youcan follow us.”
“Hey, is she okay?Imean…I’vebeen worried.”
Inod asIplay with my keys. “Yeah,Imean she’s sore, and well, she needs to take it easy.Itwill be up to her for all the feedings, soI’llshow you how to change a diaper.Otherthan that, just be there forRachel.I’lllet you take the lead since you missed out on being here with her.”
Heblows out a breath through puffed cheeks. “Dude, this is fucking scary.”
“Youdon’t have to tell me.Icouldn’t even stick around for the delivery.”
Thisseems to set him at ease. “Can’tsayIblame you there.It’sfucking surreal, isn’t it?Imean suddenly there’s this little baby.”
Itdoesn’t feel so sudden to me, butI’vebeen with her every day.Hehas been there to play and fuck.I’mthe one she’s complained to about her back pain and the one who took care of the laundry and meals so she could rest.
“It’sreal, little brother.You’reabout to find out how real.Comeon.Let’sget the girls home.”
Heglances up at me with a solemn face. “Iwant to help you too,Luke.Someonehas to be here for you.”
Iturn my palms up in invitation.Ido need him, but how canIask him for anything after all we’ve been through?Hishands slide carefully into mine, but instead of taking my hand, they slide up my arms and around my waist.Hesteps into my arms, andI’mso stunned it takes me a moment to wrap my arms around him too.Ishouldn’t, butIclose my eyes and pull him tighter against me.
“SometimesImiss you so much it hurts,” he admits.
Hisconfessions are deadly.Theyabsolutely wreck me. “Imiss you that much all the time,”Iadmit.
Fora minute to two, it’s just us standing in front of a hospital, embracing like lovers who haven’t been together in much too long.Ilay my cheek against his head and breathe in the scent of my favorite person.Iwant to let my thoughts pour out of my mouth to tell him how muchImiss him, howIwant to be close to him, howIneed his touch, howIneed him to tell me he loves me.IwishIcould rewind to that moment in the tent when everything felt so right.Iwould have been more loving and less aggressive.Ishould have reassured him, made him see this isn’t wrong.
Heclears his throat and steps away. “Guesswe should get going.”
Inod and watch as he tellsRachelgoodbye and walks toward the parking lot.Finally,Iwalk around to the driver’s door and rearrange myself.
“Youokay?” she asks asIbuckle in.
Iglance at her in the rearview and start the engine. “Doyou want the truth or the safe answer?”
Shelooks down atOliviaand caresses her cheek. “Justdrive.”
Andthat’s the end of the conversation.Theconversation we know by heart without having to say a word between us.Ikeep my eye on all three of them the entire trip home and thank the stars that they will all be under my roof tonight.
* * *
RACHEL
I’mon automatic mommy pilot.Ihonestly don’t know where the last six weeks have gone.IfOliviadoesn’t wake me, then my heavy, full breasts do.ThankGodfor maternity leave.Combinedwith my rollover vacation days,Iwon’t go back to work until autumn.
Lukeshuffles into the kitchen.Hedoesn’t see me becauseI’msitting in the dark.Ilet my eyes pour over his naked skin.Hehas been sleeping in boxers again.Funnyhow quicklyOliviahas affected our daily routines.Hestopped sleeping naked whenIfound him in the kitchen warming a bottle in nothing but his birthday suit.Hewasn’t even entirely awake.
Hetakes two overnight feedings every night soIcan sleep for more than ninety minutes at a time.Heis my damn hero, butIdo miss seeing him naked.
Heopens the refrigerator and takes out one of the bottles of milkIexpressed yesterday.Whenthe door slowly closes, he sees me.
“Whyare you up?”Hesounds as tired asIfeel as if he’s been gargling rocks. “I’lltake care ofO.Youshould be sleeping.”
“Ishould be.Iwant to be.”
Hesets the bottle on the counter, pulls out a chair, and sits down. “WhatcanIdo?”
“IwishIknew.It’sas ifI’vebeen in a bizarre loop for the past month or more.Ibegin and end with that little girl in there.”
Rubbinghis eyes, he props himself up with his elbow. “Ithas been like a weird dream.”
