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“Iwant to fuck you so hard you can’t walk tomorrow,Rachel!But,Ican’t!Youcan’t ask me to do this.Ican’t constantly be pulled in every direction by you andEvan.Youboth pull me in closer, and then something happens that clearly indicates we shouldn’t be doing any of this.”Heslices his hand through the air between us.
Righton cue,Oliviastarts crying.
“You’rethe only thing keeping us apart,Luke!Don’tyou see that?Ican’t makeEvanstay, butI’mhere!I’mnever going to leave you.”
Heglances down the hallway, his attention torn. “I’mnever leaving you either, neither of you!Ipromise.Butuntil some shit in our lives changes, and there is no more of this taboo shit hanging over our relationship—Ican’t do it.Ican’t hide, lie and pretend thatIdon’t love youandEvan.ThatIwant to touch, and kiss, and fuck both of you constantly.I’ma bisexual man living in a rural, small town whereIcan never expose whoIreally am ifIwant to live in any type of peace!Evanis the smart one.He’sgetting out of here so he can at leasttryto stop hiding.”
Olivia’scries become more demanding.Heturns his back to me and begins warming up her bottle. “Ijust…” his voice has turned sad and quiet. “Iwant to love you freely.Nowisn’t the time.Surelyyou see that?Knowthat?”
“Andwhen will it be the right time?WhenOliviais old enough to call you daddy?Whenshe’s in grade school?College?Movedaway?”
“Idon’t know,” he says with a defeated tone. “Idon’t know,” he stutters. “AndI’mscared it’s never going to be the right time.Justtry to understand whyIcan’t ride this line and go from one extreme to the next.It’sripping my heart apart.”
“That’sjust it,Luke.Wehave to be loyal to our true selves, despite the timing, and the judgment of others.I’llwait.I’llwait for the understanding to come to you.Ibeg of you, don’t make me wait untilI’mtoo old to have our babies, to have a life with you.”
Heputs the nipple on the bottle and tests the milk on his wrist. “Ineed to feedLittleO,” he says as he walks out of the kitchen.
Whenher crying eases,Ilose my strength and lie back on the table.
“Shh, sweet girl.Igot you,” he tells her.
Hisheartisn’t the only one being ripped apart.
15
Rachel
“Youshouldn’t cut class.”
Evanshrugs. “Whatare they going to do?Failme?”
Thisis not the time to mother him.NotwhileI’mbreastfeeding and rockingOlivia.Idon’t know whyI’mbeing difficult with him.I’mso glad he’s here, and that he left school early to be with me.Ashe leans against the changing table with his ankles crossed, allIcan think is how close he is to leaving.NowthatLukehas stuck a fork in our relationship for good,I’llhave no one whenEvanleaves.
“Ijust don’t want your parents on your case.”
“Aslong as you don’t tell,Iwon’t.”Hismegawatt smile is like the sun shining in my darkness.Thosedimples of his are like some sort of aphrodisiac.Hismischievous blue eyes only add to the pain of looking at him.Itshould be illegal to be so good-looking.
Hisplayful arrogance is successful in making me smile.
Oliviaunlatches from my nipple.Iwork to get her to finish nursing asEvan’sgaze slides over me.Theplayfulness in his eyes turns heated.
“Myparents are throwing me a celebratory graduation dinner onSaturdayevening after the ceremony.Iwant you andLuketo come.”
Iraise my eyebrows. “Me?”
Heraises his chin in a small sexy movement. “Yes, you.”
“Whois going to be at this dinner?”
“Myfamily, includingAuntElisewho lives inNewYork.”
“So, just your family?”
“Andyou andLuke.”
“Areyou out of your mind,Evan?”
“Why?BecauseIwant my best friend and my girlfriend there?”Heacts so nonchalant about it that it is worrisome.
