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Ilean back on my hands and look up at the clouds that are beginning to turn orange.
Iknow the answer to that question, at least when it comes to my family.Notso much when it comes toLukeandRachel.HowcanItruly be myself without them?Iwill have no choice becauseIcan’t go on feeling stifled and held down.
Thatis the crux of the problem, the thing that’s weighing me down more and more.Inorder to have my life,Ihave to give them up.Everythingwithin me is screaming thatIcan’t, that it’s going to hurt too much, thatI’llnever recover if they’re not in my life.Attimes,I’vegone into a full-on panic because it is too much to handle.
AllI’veever wanted is to be able to make my own choices, but it’s not that simple, is it?Themost important choices are being made for me.Ihave no choice but to leave them ifIwant my own life.IfIchoose to stay with them,I’llnever have my own life.
AllIwant to do is throw myself atRachel’sandLuke’sfeet and beg them to love me, to keep me.AmIwilling to do whatI’mfeeling in my heart?WhenIthink about leaving the two of them, the answer is yes.Iwant a relationship with both of them, the three of us, where everything feels golden and divine.
Ilook back at the house.Iwould lose this—my family.Eventhough it would be their choice to shun me, it doesn’t make it easier.Infact, it makes it worse.Godhelp me, butIcan’t even begin to let that anger at my family take root.Itis not their faultI’mfucked up.
Takingoff my hat,Icomb my fingers through my hair and pull at it in frustration.Ihave been telling myself that leaving will make it easier to give them up, to stop feeling this way.Ihave been reassuring myself that ifI’mnot withLuke, thenI’llfigure outI’mnot actually bi becauseIdon’t thinkIam!Idon’t look at other guys.Idon’twantother guys.Ican’t even think of being with other guys.
It’sjust him.
It’sjustLuke!
Thatmakes this even more confusing.
Ihave to hold on to that though.I’llgo toChicagoand all those tendencies will fade away.I’llhave a new life and missing them won’t hurt so much.Timewill pass, and this will all be some long-forgotten, wild tendency of my youth, all of it, from wanting to kissLuketo the obsessive, kinky shitIseem to have discovered withRachel.Ican’t even admit the other stuffLukeandIhaven’t done.Theother things that plague my mind—so much depraved stuffIthink about doing with both of them.It’sthis hungry beast buried deep that’s getting impatient and greedy.
Iput my hat back on my head.I’mso fucking broken and messed up.IfMomandDadfound out about all of the stuff in my fantasies, they’d swearIam possessed and not their son.Afterall, how could someone like me come from such good, upstanding people?
WhenIseeLukedriving up to the house,Irelax.Finally, my brain can be quiet.Heputs me at ease.Heis the only reasonI’mgoing to make it through tonight.I’vehad enough celebration and attention from my family.Iwish he were here to pick me up.I’dmuch rather spend the rest of the weekend at his house.
Oncehe parks, he gets out and walks straight up to me.Heis wearing a black button-up under his new sheepskin bomber jacket.I’venoticed since he has some money, he’s been buying better clothes.Lukemakes that jacket look sexy as hell.Hisblonde curls are tucked into the raised collar, underneath his blackStetson.Warm, spicy cologne floats around him, making my dick harden.Iclench my jaw, mad at myself for not being able to keep these feelings at bay.
Ihave been fine.
Good.
Rachelhas been everything and more.
ButthenIcan’t remember the last timeIsawLukelook like a sexy cowboy on the cover of some mommy porn novel.
“Youclean up nice,”Iremark.
Hepulls his jacket open as he looks down his body. “Onlyfor you.”
“AuntEliseis going to eat you alive.”
Hechuckles and blushes a little. “SomethingIshould know beforeIsit down with her at a table?”
“OnlythatAuntEliselikes her men.Imeanreally likesher men, and she’s going to latch onto you like a dog with a bone.”
Lukearches an eyebrow. “YouthinkIlook good?”
Iglance around us beforeIsay, “Sexy.Youlooksexyas hell, and you know it, fucker!”
“Havingimpure thoughts?” he teases.
Ibite my lower lip and look down at the square toes of his black boots.
Heclears his throat. “Sorry, little brother.SometimesIforget my place.”
Ipeek up at him, looking for that desireIknow he possesses.Thebeast inside wants to feed.Idon’t really want to fight it right now.Maybeit’s because we haven’t been alone, this close in proximity, in a while.
“Thankyou for coming,”Ioffer.
