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Heshrugs.Helooks like shit.Howlong has he been sitting on my sofa, and how many shots has he taken?Ican’t ask him aboutRachel, because he is still under the impression thatIdon’t know about their affair.Maybemy talk withRachelresonated with her.
Evanpours another shot and slides the glass across the table to me.Leaningforward,Itake the shot and slide the empty glass back to him.
“Ifound a place inChicago.”
Bam!Ifeel his words slam right into my chest.
“Thoughtthat’s what you wanted.”
Heleans back and props his ankle on his knee. “Ido.Idon’t.Thereality of it is heavier thanIexpected.”
Inod. “Ihave been dreading your departure, butIsuppose it was always inevitable.”
Hepours another shot glass of whisky, downing it immediately.
“Youmight want to slow down.Thatstuff will hit you harder than beer.Quickertoo.”
“Ihope so.”
“What’sreally got you tied up in knots,Evan?”Iask.
Hescrubs his hands over his face. “Tellme to stay.”
Whenhe finally looks me in the eyes,Isee how this has all become very real to him. “Youdon’t want me to.”
“Yes,Ido.”
“Thentell me, why do you want to stay?”Ichallenge.
“ForRachel…and you,” he adds on quickly.
“We’rethe only reasons?”
“Isn’tthat reason enough?” he asks.
Itwould be for me, more than enough, butEvanhas bigger dreams. “Youcan’t study to become an architect here.Youcan’t move into your own apartment here.Youcan’t spread your wings here,Evan.Ifthere is one thingIhave accepted, it’s that you need to leave more than you need to stay here for me…orRachelfor that matter.”
“Whydoes it hurt so much?”
Ilean forward enough to lift his hand with mine and squeeze. “Changeis hard, but it’s the only way we can grow.Youare smothered here.Asmuch asIwould love to tell you to stay, it would be selfish.Ilove you, and that is whyIwant you to escape all the things that hold you down.”
Hestares at our joined hands.Irelease him, thinking it might send him mixed messages.Hiseyes shift to the bottle.
“Youwant to stay the night?”Iask, feeling protective and worried.
Henods.
Istand, intent on getting dressed when he throws his arms around my waist and presses his cheek against the towel.Icradle his face and run my fingers through his hair.Thisis only going to get harder.I’mnot even sure his arrival inChicagowill make it any better.
“Iknow you’re scared, baby.It’sokay, you know.Thisis just one move on your chessboard.Youcan always come back to us.”
Hesqueezes me tighter.Hemight as well be squeezing my heart.
Heshifts a little and kisses the skin just below my navel.
Don’tdo this!Forthe love ofGod, don’t do this to me,Evan!
Thatis whatIshould be saying.Instead,Ioffer him everything.
