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HisAdam’sapple bobs, andIfeel him retract.Ifucking feel it like ice water being injected into my veins.
“Ican’t.” he chokes on the words.
“Youcan.”
Heglances from my lips to my eyes and then down our bodies to where our hips are pressed together.Ourhard dicks are trapped between us.Ifeel his heartbeat there, against my own.
“Doyou love me?”Iask.
“Ido.YouknowIdo.”Already, hurt is blooming on his face.
“Thenlove me completely.I’llopen myself up and give you everything,Evan, but you have to do the same.Iwon’t let this be one-sided.Youcan’t let me in halfway to save yourself the heartache of being apart from me.”
Whenhis hands slowly slip from my neck to lie next to his sides, my heart breaks.Evenmy cock shrinks.Fuckingtears fill my eyes.
“I’msorry,” he rasps.
Fora second,Ican’t breathe.Iconcentrate on breathing in through my nose and out through my teeth.Iclench my jaw and nod.Everythingbecomes crystal clear as the fog lifts from my brain.
“Metoo,Evan.I’mreally fucking sorry too.”
Ipush myself up off the mattress and cross the room to grab clean boxers out of the drawer.Hesits up, looking wounded.
“Getout!”Isay flatly.Thereis no feeling in my words becauseIam…fucking…numb.
“Luke,” he whimpers.
Ithrust my finger in his direction. “No!Evan!Youdo not get to do this to me!”Ijab my finger against my chest. “Ilove you with every part of me.Iwant you just the same.YouthinkIdon’t hurt with this push-and-pull game you play?I’mnot some toy!”Iyank on my boxers and grab a t-shirt from the drawer.
“Idon’t understand why kissing matters.”
Iapproach him so quickly,Ialmost lose my footing and grab him by the shoulders, pulling him up so we’re eye to eye. “Itmatters because when we kiss, you can’t hide anymore.Youcan’t keep your feelings for me hidden away in that box of shame you clutch so tightly in your frightened hands.Forme, this is about kissing you, the manIlove, but for you, it’s about kissing a man.Thatis the bones of it.Itmatters because you can’t fucking do it!Youcan’t kiss me becauseIhave a dick instead of a pussy!”
Witha quick push,Ilet him go and pull my shirt over my head.
“Isaid get out!I’mnot letting you do this to me anymore,Evan!Doyou understand?”
Hislook of shock and remorse turns ugly and angry.
“Yeah,Luke!Ifucking understand!”Hesays the last word as if he were talking to someone who can’t hear clearly.
Hedoesn’t waste any time swiping his clothes off the floor and sofa and getting dressed.Ican’t even look at him.Iam just standing here with my hands on my hips, gripping them so hard it hurts.
“Don’tworry.Iwon’t bother you anymore.YouandRachelcan have your happy little family, andI’llhave my own life away from this fucking place.Idon’t give a fuck anymore!”
Iswing my head around at that, but he’s pulling the door open.
“Liar!”Imutter.Hehears me because he stops momentarily.Itis only for a moment, though.
Witha loud bang, he slams my door, andIhear his heavy footfalls down the stairs.
I’mleft feeling like the victim of a bombing.Ihurt all over as ifI’vebeen stabbed by a thousand knives, over and over again.Iease myself down to sit on my bed and hold my head in my hands.Howcould he say he doesn’t give a fuck anymore?IthoughtImeant more to him than this.
Igrab the first thingIfind on the nightstand and fling it across the room.My35mm lens takes out the lantern and clips the edge of my flatscreen before slamming to the floor, leaving me in the dark.Itdoesn’t help me feel any relief.Iam crushed…crushed to pieces.
Willhe ever understand how important our kiss would be…how special…how muchIwould treasure the feel of his lips on mine?HowIneed his kisses likeIrequire air to live?Onlythen canIcompletely trust him and let him have my heart.Whatwe have is more than sex.
It’slove.
