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I love her, I love her, I love her, I love…
Then, with a smile, I fell back to sleep before the music stopped.
***
“Brawny, get up. Your alarm keeps going off.”
I didn’t know if it was her voice or her finger poking me in the ribs, stomach, and crook of my neck that woke me up first, but I did eventually open my eyes from beneath the pillow over my head.
When the hell did that get there?
I pulled it off and yawned. Only then did I open my eyes to Ray, already showered and dressed in her library attire.
“Fantasy librarian Ray,” I muttered groggily, and she glanced over her shoulder with an amused smile, mid-lipstick application.
“What?”
“This is the fantasy version of you.”
“Oh?” She snorted, turning back to the mirror. “Are pencil skirts and ugly blouses part of this fantasy of yours?”
I chuckled a gruff laugh, then cleared my throat of the lingering sleep while pulling myself up to sit in bed. “When I was a kid, I had it bad for one of my teachers—I think I told you about that. Mrs. Henderson, remember? She always dressed like that. You know, put together and nice and all, but also, like, every teenage boy’s wet dream.”
I watched her reflection shift from startled to amused in a matter of seconds. She laughed as she twisted off the top of her lip gloss.
“So, she set the precedent for every other woman for the rest of your life.”
“I guess.” I laughed with her as I reached for my phone on the nightstand. “It still blows my mind that she ended up being Harry’s daughter. She was the nicest person to me in school, and he was the nicest …”
What the fuck?I thought as I stared at the notifications on the screen.
“What is it?” Ray asked, caution and worry in her tone.
My heart slammed against the wall of my chest as I stared at the four missed calls from early this morning. The last one had come in around four thirty a.m. Three new voice mails. All from my mother.
“My mom called,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “Jesus, why would she call? What does she want …”
I was already shaking as I stared at her name in my voice mail inbox, terrified of what she might have called about. Yes, I'd given her the number. I had been insistent that she call if something cameup, ifshe needed me for anything. But had it been stupid of me to assume she never would?
Now, staring at those three messages waiting to be heard, I wanted to yell at her and say the gesture had been nothing more than a Band-Aid to keep my guilt from taking over. She wasn'tactually supposedto use it. She was supposed to throw the damn number away, lose it, like she did everything else.
My hands were shaking so much that I thought I'd drop the phone.
How did she still have this type of control over me?
“Soldier,” Ray said, her gentle voice slicing through the shroud of panic and fear as she laid her hand against my bare shoulder.
“She left me voice mails.” Ipresentedthe phone to her.
“You want me to play them?” she guessed, and I nodded, planting my elbows against mykneesand covering my face with my hands.
And then my mother's frantic, trembling, whispered voice filled the room.
“H-h-hey … I wasn't going to call because”—she cackled maniacally—“because the last thing you probably want in your life is to hear from your old j-j-junkie mom. But … but, Soldier, um … um … if you get this … um … call me, okay? Call me. I-I-I-I need to tell you some things. Okay? Call me.”
“You know … um … I-I-I never wanted things to b-be like this, you know? That night you were born … I thought you'd change things. Iwantedyou to change things. I wanted y-you to save me, and I think … I think that's where I fucked up, isn't it? Th-that I-I-I-I put so, so,somuch on a fuckingbaby, and I never put a fucking thing onme. I never tried to savemyself, and that's my fault, okay? I've spent a long time trying to own that, andth-that's what I'm doing now. Owning it. I fucked up. I fuckedyouup. I fucked David up, and your grandparents, and … and … everything. But that's on m-me, okay? It’s all on me. O-okay … b-bye.”
“W-when you were a baby, I used to sing that song … what the fuck was it called—oh, right. 'You Are My Sunshine.' D-do you remember it? Do you remember me singing that to you? Those were the best, best, best moments of my life.Youare the best thing to happen to me, and y-y-you know, Soldier … I never thanked you. Y-you know … for e-everything, so …th-thank you. Thank you, baby. Everything I've done has been for you. Not at first, but … now … o-o-okay, um … um … I-I love you …”
