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I cried because nothing I had done was good enough.
I cried because I had failed.
I cried because she’d never possessed the ability to love me enough to get herself out of theshitshe was in.
And finally, I cried because she was gone and there wasnothingI could do to save her from that, nothing I could’ve done to stop it from happening in the first place. Because, for the first time ever, I had put myself first.
***
“Jesus Christ,” I croaked, my voice scraping against my raw and gravelly throat. “I feel like such an asshole.”
Ray was on her knees, gingerly picking up pieces of glass, when she turned to me abruptly, startled. “Why would you feel like an asshole?”
I shook my head and wiped a hand against my face, sticky from the deluge of tears. “Because I fucking lost it for a little while there. I didn’t mean to. I just … Idunno… it just happened.”
“Brawny,” Ray replied in a soft, soothing tone, standing to dump the broken shards of jar into the garbage. “Your mother died. She waskilled. You’re allowed to lose it.”
“But I'm not allowed to scare you guys,” I argued as I got the sponge from the sink to wipe the splattered sauce from the wall and floor. “There's no excuse for that.”
She came to stand with me, wrapping her hand around my wrist to stop me from walking away. “You didn'tscareus,” she insisted, firm and sincere. “We wereworriedabout you. Weareworried. There's a difference.”
She took the sponge from me and cupped her other hand against my jaw, pinning me to the spot with her affectionate gaze. “I'll clean this up. You go talk to Noah. Let him see you're okay.”
I was ready to protest. The last thing I wanted was to face him when I'd already promised a dozen times to never hurt them. But it didn't take long to realize Ray was right. If I ran, if I avoided him, it would only make me look like the coward I’d claimed not to be.
So, with my head hanging and my heart in more pain than I’d thought imaginable, I trudged down the hall to his room, where I knocked on the door.
“Yeah?”hecalled from inside, and I entered to find him on his bed, lying on his stomach and reading a book.
Ray had told me once that Noah had always hated reading until he met me. Seeing him with a book now, reading without persuasion, made me smile—even if just a little.
“Hey,” I said, closing the door gently behind me.
“Oh, hi.” He scrambled to sit up and stuffed a scrap of toilet paper between the pages to hold his spot. “Are you okay?”
No fear was reflected in his eyes. No anger or hesitancy. Just concern and worry.
“Um …” I scratched at the back of my head, not sure how to answer. But honesty felt like the best option, so with a sigh, I sat at the edge of his bed and rested my elbows against my knees. “Not really. But … I'm a little better, I guess.”
Noah pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. “I'm really sorry your mom died,” he muttered quietly, almost awkwardly. Almost as though he didn't know if it was the right thing to say.
“Thanks, buddy.”
“Did someone kill her?”
Dropping my gaze to my hands hanging between my knees, I barely nodded. “Yeah, we think so.”
It was a lot for anybody of any age to make sense of and process, let alone a kid who'd never known death in his short thirteen years. And it would figure that, as soon as I had entered their lives, I'd bring with me the black angel of death on my shoulder.
But,I reminded myself,you also brought them the protection and strength they had lacked before. And that counts for something. Ithasto.
“Do you know who did it?” Noah asked, his brows pinching as he tried to work through the tragic and disturbing truth that someone could be capable of intentionally taking another person's life. That someone couldwantto.
“I have an idea,” I confirmed while keeping the secret of exactly who to myself.
Had Noah met Levi during his visits with his dad? Had he met my mother? What kind of stuff had this kid seen?
No. I couldn't allow myself to go there. I would never ask. We would never talk about it—unless he wanted to. Wondering about it now would only give my imagination the freedom to run wild, and nothing good could come of that.
