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A pitiful, strained sound squeezed its way from my lungs before I uttered, “What the hell?”
As if my brain needed a few seconds to catch up, I stared at the flat envelope—too flat to have as much money as I’d had in there—turning it over in my shaking hands while my heart rapidly climbed to an anxious, irregular beat.
“Oh no. Oh fuck.” I tore the paper open, revealing what I’d already known. “No, no, no, no …no!Where is it?!”
I dropped the envelope, thrust my hands into my hair, and pulled tightly at the strands as I tried to think over the hammering of my heart.
“It wasrighthere. Where the hell did it go?!”
I had just put away a hundred bucks last night, and now, nearly nine thousand dollars I’d saved throughout the years was gone. My mind tripped over itself, scrambling to make sense of what was happening.
Youknowwhere it went.
I didn’t want to believe what I knew to be the truth.
But you know it’s true.
“Fuck.”
My throat tightened as I slumped against the rickety bedframe, holding the back of my hand over my mouth. My eyes watered, and my nose burned, but I couldn’t afford to give in to the tears I desperately wanted to unleash.
“Mom!” I stood up from the side of my bed to storm through the door and into the musty living room to find her in her usual spot, draped over the couch. “Mom, have you been in my room?”
“Huh?” She opened her eyes a crack to peer up at me.
“Have you been in my room?” I enunciated every word through my throat, clenched with panic and despair.
“I … I don’t know, Soldier. Probably. Why?”
“Did you take anything?” My hands were shaking uncontrollably. My teeth were chattering, as if I were freezing, despite the fire licking away at my veins and cheeks.
She turned away to face the ripped cushion beside her head.
“Mom! Did you look under mybed?!Did you take something from me?!”
Her silence told me everything I needed to know.
“Oh my God.” My eyes flooded as I lifted my hands to my hair. I stared down at her limp form, shaking my head and taking one, two, three steps backward.
What the fuckamI going to do now?
How the fuckareweevergoing to get out of here?
I gasped, choked by a blinding panic I’d never felt before in my life. I knew we needed to get the fuck out of this hellhole. We needed to leave if there was any hope of us getting better and turning shit around for ourselves, and she had takenevery lastshred of hope for that from me—fromus. She had takenevery lastpenny I’d saved—and forwhat? More drugs?
Jesus fucking Christ, didn’t she haveenough?
Angry and upset, I spun on my heel and headed straight for her bag on the floor beside the buried table. I knelt and opened it up for the first timewithout a careif she saw or not.
“What are you doing?!” she shrieked, sounding like a scared little animal as she tripped from the couch. “Get out of there! What are you doing?!”
There were four full bottles of pills. Four whole, large bottles. I shook my head as I pulled them all out and stood slowly, staring at the little pink pills through the translucent orange plastic.
“Give those to me!” She grappled with my arm, but I was too strong, too tall, and she couldn’t get the bottles away from me. “Youfuckingbastard! Give them back!”
Feeling simultaneously powerful and helpless, I brushed heroff ofme easily and barreled for the door as I said, “No.”
“Soldier! Stop! Those aremine,you piece of shit! They’remine!” She was crying, begging, and pleading. “Where are you going?! What are you going to do?!”
