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I mean, it sure as fuck had nothing to do with my mother’s second visit in over nine years.
I didn’t know how it was possible for someone toagefifteen years in only three. But somehow, Diane Mason had done it. She looked like a witch from one of those oldkidsmovies. An ancient hag, settled deep in the woods. Her eyes were sunken in, her cheeks hollowed out. Her hairasdry as a scarecrow’s straw. I sat across from her, wondering how the hell thiscould’ve been the womanwho’d given birth to me when I looked absolutely nothing like this sack of paper-thin skin and bones.
And just like that, for one of the first times in over thirty years, I wondered about my father and who he might have been.
“So, you still popping pills, or have you moved on to harder shit?” I accused, guarding my heart with my arms folded over my chest.
“Well, I see you’re still a wiseass.”
I inconspicuously diverted my gaze to the table beside me. Evan—areally greatdude, serving twenty-five years for shooting a man in the back as he fled from Evan’s home, after the guy had broken in and brutally raped his wife—was sitting with his kids, crying unabashedly over his wife not coming. He’d said she had a hard time seeing him here, knowing she’d eventually have to leave without him, and I guessed she just couldn’t find it in her to come at all.
I wished she had, for his sake.
I also wished Mom had never shown up for my own.
Glancing back at her, I drawled, “No. I’m just wondering what bullshit I’ll have to deal with once I get out of here.”
Her demeanor shifted subtly. Like a storm cloud passing quietly through an otherwise clear sky. “So, it’s true. You’re up for parole.”
I nodded. “Yeah. My hearing is in a week.”
Her jaw shifted as her eyes dropped to the table. She picked at her frayed cuticles, at her brittle nails, before saying, “I don’t want you coming home.”
Off to my right, Coop—a guy who’d attempted a bank robbery after finding out he wasgonnalose his house—must’ve just told his wife he had a good shot at getting out of here, too, because she was jumping out of her seat to throw herself at him. The guard allowed the hug for a few seconds before asking them to break it up.
And there was my mom, telling me she didn’t want mecominghome.
It must’ve been nice to have someone who wanted you out, where they could hug you without someone telling you to stop.
A muscle in my jaw twitched. “Why not?”
“Because …” She squeezed her hands into white-knuckled fists, like she was suddenly angry. She leaned forward and dropped her voice to a whisper. “Do you even know what you have done to my life since you murdered Billy?”
The air was sucked out of the room as I stared at her skeleton face. Those words—murdered Billy—sliced deep, cutting through bone and muscle, until they pierced what was left of my heart. Except she had it wrong.
I hadn’t murdered Billy.
I hadn’t wanted him to die; I hadn’t asked him to take her poisoned drugs. But he had done it anyway, and I would live with that for the rest of my life.
The fact that she thought I’d murdered him though … that hurt when I knew it shouldn’t. Her opinion shouldn’t have mattered. Yet it did. It always would.
“I didn’tmurderanyone,” I replied, my voice low.
“Bullshit,” she hissed, sneering. “AndI’mnot the only one who thinks so. Billy’s mother? You ever wonder what it’sgonnabe like for her, seeing you wandering around like nothing happened? You think anybody isgonnawannasee your face, knowing what you did? Youembarrassedme, Soldier. You disgraced our entire family. God …” She sucked at her teeth as she looked away, shaking her head. “I can’t even imagine what your grandparents would say right now if they were alive.”
I could’ve sat there and taken everything she gave me without even moving a muscle. But the moment she brought Gramma and Grampa into it, everything I saw before me turned red.
“Shut the hell up,” I said through a jaw clenched too tight.
But she just wrinkled her nose and stared right into my eyes as she continued, “Grampa wouldn’t have been able to even look at you. You disgraced his name. You tainted it and everything he’d taught you. He would’ve regretted ever talking me out of aborting—”
I smacked my palms against the table, allowing the sound to echo through the room. A heavy hush settled over the inmates and visitors alike as a nearby guard warned me to settle down, but you know what? Fuck that.
I leaned forward, nearly touching my nose to hers, and said, “I should've let you die.”
Her eyes widened. Fear ignited in her tiny, pencil-dot pupils as her mouthfellopen. “What … what are you—”
“Everything …everythingI have ever done, everything I did tomyself… the reason I am here is because ofyou. To save your ass. Toprotectyou. That’s what Gramma and Grampa taught me to do—to protectyou.” I jabbed a finger at her bony chest.
