Page 3 of Hog Tied


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I went further, “Surrounded by rich assholes is part of the job but surrounded by rich assholes while never getting a cheeseburger, that’s another story. I’m not interested in living on the Riviera.”

“If the dude bought a vineyard in the country, well…that would be another story,” Burke explained to Javi for me. “The city poses its problems for Hud. So, I knew he’d be perfect for this gig.”

“I love it here, by the way, which is why I hope this one lasts. I get that; after he’s off the hook to get his ass shot, I will likely lose this job or quit if he decides to move back to the city, but for now, it’s great for me.”

“Hey, I understand. I love and hate the fucking city. Convenience, sure, food at one in the morning, lots of clubs to have fun. The downsides outweigh those, however. Too many people, too much noise. I love my place in the country. Shit, our house is even outside the small town where we live. We’re delighted.”

Burke sighed hard, and I knew why. He’d been against moving to the country. “I was a confirmed city boy from birth, but I must admit, sitting on my porch with my two guys, all the quiet, when Joel and Damon can be quiet, that is, it’s heaven. I don’t think I’d ever move back to the city.”

“Well, my new friend,” Javi said, laughing as he winked at me. “You’re here now, complete with pigs!”

“Those, you can keep.”

“No problem, man, that would be above and beyond. The old man, Flynn, had some workers who came daily to help with them. They have said they’d like to stay on, so you won’t have to fuck with the pigs.”

“Good. I love the country but have never lived on a farm. I wouldn’t know the first thing about pigs unless they’re the ones in the clubs that like to take a dick in their ass while tied to a toilet.”

I started laughing as Burke took out his phone and made a note. “Tie Joel to the toilet tonight.” He looked up and said, “Thanks. I’m always looking for ideas for him.”

“You’re sick, man,” Javi accused him. “That sweet guy? A toilet?”

“It’s in his house,” I said, knowing how clean Burke was at home. “That toilet is cleaner than most people’s kitchens. He’s got his Italian mother’s thing about cleaning.”

“Forgot you knew me.”

“He was at a club once, and I saw him coming out of a bathroom. He was looking for the janitor's closet to clean the urinal.”

“That’s a fucking lie!”

Javi was cracking up, and I laughed too, but it was true. “Burke…”

“Fine, okay, it was fucking gross, and I had to piss.”

“You clean stuff before you piss in it?” Javi was in awe, grinning like crazy, and Burke reddened deeply.

“Fuck you guys.”

While he finished laughing, Javi handed me a credit card and told me to use it as needed. It was for Theo’s needs, but I could use it to pay the employees, for the pigs, for any updates the house required, and for things like food and toiletries.

I thought of something before Javi was to leave to get Theo. “That blond kid with him…are they together?”

“Not really. They’re frenemies. Jamiah, which isn’t his real name, the little poser, is along for the freebies, the money, and sure, Theo attracts guys that Jay can fool around with.”

“Take him to the airport, if you will. I don’t like him, don’t trust him.” I looked Javi dead in the eye, and he saw how serious I was.

“They ain’t gonna like that.”

“Don’t care unless it’s a deal breaker. I’m here for Theo’s safety. Blondie isn’t safe for him. Has he ever been here?”

“No. Neither has seen the place.”

“Good. Don’t let Jamiah know where it is.”

“You got it. I like you,ese. You’re serious, and that’s what’s needed for Theo.”

After Javi left to pick up the pain in the ass, Burke and I toured the entire house. Rooms were filled with junk, newspapers, and magazines, including every Farmer’s Almanac back thirty years.

“This is a shitshow,” Burke mentioned as he stepped over one such heap of magazines. “We need to get a cleaning crew in here.”

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