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I can’t even think of her name without wanting to break down and cry. I’ve prided myself on my strength and perseverance, but honestly, I’ve only remained strong because I kept myself closed off. I never opened up my heart, and for good reason, it seems, because it led to nothing but pain. I’m beginning to understand why Caleb shut himself off for so many years. I’m more surprised that Beau managed to get under his thick ass skin.
But not me. Never again. Nothing is worth this kind of heartache.
“Come on, Estrella. I know you’re hurting. Why won’t you let us be there for you?”
Because I don’t fucking need anyone, that’s why.
I force myself to look up at Beau. “I’m fine.”
He huffs. “You’re the furthest thing from fine.”
The tension in my body is so rigid, my skin feels as tight as a balloon that’s on the edge of bursting.
So, I let go for the first time in a week. “Okay, fine! You’re right! Is that what you want to hear?” I growl.
Instead of clapping back like I had hoped he would, his expression flushes with concern and sympathy.
Fuck! That’s the last thing I want.
“You know, that’s not true. We’re just worried about you. You’ve closed yourself off from everyone that gives a damn. You’ve worked yourself to the bone. Have you even had a day off this week?”
Not that it’s any of his business but… “No, I haven’t.”
He sighs. “Does the Chief know that? It can’t be legal to work that many days in a row.”
Well, technically, I’m not supposed to, but luckily, nobody has caught on yet.
Until now.
I can see that information dawning on his expressive face. “Estrella, you can’t do that.”
“So what? Are you gonna tattle on me?”
“I should if I thought it would do a bit of good.”
Jesus Christ!
When did I become so transparent? That this man, who barely knows me, is so adamant in the knowledge that I’m barely holding on by a thread. That the only thing keeping me together is this job. That without it I’ll just fall the fuck apart.
He shuts my door and comes closer. “You have to stop.”
Stop what exactly? Living?
I’ve never once questioned my lot in life, having always been rather happy with it. But after this week, I've questioned everything.
Am I suicidal? Absolutely not.
But for the first time, I’m wondering what my purpose is.
Before I met… er her, that question was easy to answer. I was a big sister, a granddaughter, a best friend. I was a firefighter, a rigger, and a proud Domme. But now the very thought of touching a string of rope ties me up in knots. Every fucking pun intended.
Something that always brought me joy since the moment I discovered it has me feeling completely lost. When I look in the mirror, I see a stranger, and I don’t know how to find that woman again,
“Girl, I hate to say it, but sometimes you have to fall apart in order to put yourself back together again. I know from experience. You always come back stronger.”
I can feel my bottom lip wanting more than anything to quiver. No matter how hard I bite it, I just can’t contain it anymore. And surprising the shit out of me, it’s Beau who catches me when I fall.
He pulls me close. It’s been so long since I allowed someone to care for me. He feels so warm and safe that I have no choice but to let it all go.
