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I’m holding my breath as the kids run to greet him, Maggie to show him the drawings she and I had done, and Eli because he’s had a bit of a rough day, after his nightmare.
The nightmare had been about Eli being alone in a big toy store and unable to find his father or anyone he knew. It sounds a lot like a fear of abandonment dream from my studies in child psychology, but I don’t think it’s the right time to bring something like that up.
“Hello,” I say, and Derek nods at me, unsmiling.
“Hello, Kenna,” he says tightly, and he won’t quite look at me.
My heart drops into my stomach. What have I done wrong? Was I no good in bed? It had been my first time, so if I wasn’t, I thought that would make sense, but—
“Can we talk?” he asks, as soon as we get Eli and Maggie on the couch and watching their afternoon show, something about a puppy who delivers mail.
I nod, but instead of taking me into the kitchen like I expect, he leads me out onto the balcony on the first floor. There’s a gorgeous view of the yard from here, and I’ve never been out there for fear the kids would follow me and possibly fall.
“Kenna,” he starts, and then closes his mouth. He’s still not looking at me.
“Derek, it’s okay,” I say softly. “Whatever you have to talk about, it’s okay.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” he bursts out, finally looking up at me, his green eyes searching my face.
I’m taken aback. “I wouldn’t do that, Derek. I would never leave Eli and Maggie.”
“I mean, because of what happened last night,” he mutters, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck.
I stare at him. “Wh-what do you mean?”
“It was a mistake.”
“Just like kissing me was a mistake?” I shoot back, unable to help myself.
“You’re too young. You’re my kids’ nanny, for god’s sake,” Derek mutters, as if to himself.
“I’m twenty-two,” I say, and it sounds dumb even to my own ears.
“Jesus.” Derek runs a hand through his hair, seeming nervous. “Look, Kenna, I’m really sorry about last night. I promise nothing like that will ever happen again.”
What if I want it to?I don’t say it, even though I want to. Tears are springing to the backs of my eyes and I just need him to stop talking so that I can hole myself up in my room and pretend none of this ever happened.
“It’s fine,” I say softly. “Don’t worry. It was just a mistake, right?”
Derek reaches for his wallet and I put my hand out.
“I’m not a prostitute,” I spit out, and Derek looks stricken.
“That’s not...I didn’t mean...”
“I know,” I breathe out, trying to push down my anger at the way he’s trying to pay me off. “Just drop it. It never happened.”
I walk back into the living room, forcing myself to smile at Eli when he waves at me, and go upstairs, locking the door behind me and throwing myself on the bed. I cry into my pillow for what seems like two hours, and then finally sit up, brushing tears from my face, when there’s a small knock on my door.
“Who is it?”
“Maggie,” she says softly. “Daddy said you weren’t feeling well. I made you some soup.”
I wipe my eyes and go to the door, looking down at Maggie who is holding a tray with a bowl of soup, a spoon, and crackers.
“You made me feel better with crackers last time. There’s ginger ale, too,” she says sweetly, and I want to burst into tears all over again.
I take the tray from her. “Thank you, Maggie. This is so sweet of you.”
