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Pregnant.
25
DEREK
“Where’s Kenna?” Maggie asks about half an hour after Kenna leaves, and it feels like a little stab in my heart.
“Taking time off,” I tell her. “We talked about this.”
Maggie pouts up at me. “Sorry,” she mumbles.
I want to kick myself. I’m being snappy with my six-year-old because I can’t handle my own emotions, and it’s not fair.
I lean down and kiss the crown of her head. “No, baby, I’m sorry. Daddy’s just...tired.”
“I’m tiredtoo,”she whines. “And I want pizza.”
I chuckle. “Will you forgive me if I order pizza?”
“Extra cheese.”
My daughter has just angled a bribe out of me, but I can’t bring myself to care after everything that’s gone on this morning.
“Fair enough.”
I order the pizza and Eli wakes up, coming downstairs and climbing into my lap on the couch while we watch Paw Patrol. The kids have been better about screentime but I’m too emotionally exhausted to make them turn it off.
Sometimes parents need a break, and since I’ve just had a weekend off, I shouldn’t, but here I am.
Maggie and Eli are quiet the rest of the evening, which I’m not sure is a good thing. I’m just left alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts are not a good place to be.
They eat and get bathed and when I’m reading Eli a story, he pouts just a little.
“I know Kenna does it differently,” I say. “She’ll be back soon.”
Eli looks at me with his big green eyes and I think maybe he’ll throw a tantrum, but he doesn’t, just lying down and pulling the covers up.
I frown, wondering if he might be coming down with something, but I know he's had a long weekend. Haven’t we all?
Maggie is already asleep when I leave Eli’s room, still holding the wand her Nana got her.
Now, I’mreallyleft alone with my thoughts.
I walk into my office, planning to try and do some work, email some potential clients, but I just end up staring at the blinking cursor.
What have I done?
I’ve played with Kenna’s emotions, and had my fun with her, and then just discarded her? Is this the kind of man I want to be?
I sigh and rub my hands across my face. Will Kenna even come back, after everything? Eli’s calling her “mama,” and they’re so attached that I can’t imagine having to explain to them that’s she’s gone forever.
All because of me.
I don’t sleep that night.
I’m sitting at the kitchen table around daylight when I hear the gate buzz. I sit straight up, clearing my throat, as Kenna comes into the back door of the kitchen.
She doesn’t even look at me, just walks upstairs to her room, shutting the door softly behind her. I know that I need to talk to her. I know that I need to explain things, explainwhyI can’t do this, but right now, I can’t bring myself to do it.
