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Kenna puts her hands on her hips, looking frustrated.
“So, you want me to stay?”
“Yes,” I say, nodding my head eagerly but it makes me dizzy so I stop, looking at her. “I want you to stay.”
“I need to finish college.”
“Go to Berkeley,” I suggest. “It’s closer.”
“All my credits are in Washington.”
“They’ll transfer,” I insist, leaning forward and taking her hands in mine. “Stay here. Stay with the kids.” I pause. “Stay with me.”
“Why?” she asks in a soft voice, and my mouth goes dry, looking up at her.
“Because I need you,” I murmur, pulling her closer, pressing my face into her stomach. Slowly, her hand goes into my hair, playing with the blond and gray strands.
“You’ll find another nanny.”
“I don’twantanother nanny,” I insist, and Kenna sighs, pulling away from me.
“Let’s get you to bed,” she offers, and tugs my hand. I stand up unsteadily and follow her up the stairs, holding on to the railing.
She stops at my bedroom door but I pull her farther in, pulling her close and smelling the crown of her head. The room is spinning but I know I want her with me, don’t want her to go.
“Stay,” I say again. “Promise me you’ll stay.”
“I can’t promise that,” she argues, and I want to kiss her but she pushes me down on the bed and I’m too unsteady to not fall backward, plopping down on the bed.
She leaves the room and that’s the last thing that I remember from that night.
34
KENNA
Idon’t know what the hell is going on with Derek and I tell myself I can’t really worry about that now. I can’t care. It’d only hurt me more later. I leave him half-coherent in his bedroom and go to start Maggie’s shower and run Eli a bath in his room while I walk back and forth in the hallway to check on each of them. Maggie likes her privacy but Eli’s still young enough he gets afraid in the tub by himself, so it’s a little work.
I’m used to it, though, because I usually bathe them before Derek gets home from work. My heart aches when Eli says “Mama, out,” and holds up his wet arms to me as I hold the towel.
I smile at him, and when I deposit him in his bed, he’s sucking his thumb, which Derek and I have almost broken him of. He’s regressed a bit since he’s been sick, though, and I don’t want to scold him.
“Eli, why do you call me Mama?” I ask him softly, and Eli tilts his head, looking confused.
“Because you are my Mama,” he says simply. “You do all the things mamas are supposed to do.”
“Like what?” I ask, my heart aching.
“You take care of me,” he says. “You play with me and tell me you love me and that I’m doing a good job. My friend at pre-school says that’s what good mamas do. You're a good mama, Kenna.”
I stare at him for a moment, my eyes watering, before I sniffle.
“Thank you, Eli. You’re a good kid.”
He grins at me. “I know. Will you tell me a story?”
I tell him a thrilling tale about robot train conductors and he falls asleep in the middle of it. Maggie takes longer to go to sleep, asking me to lie down with her, and I do, having missed her. She puts her head on my shoulder and we both drift off. I finally wake up and disentangle myself, thinking I should go check on Derek.
With the amount of beer he put back before and during dinner, plus the three hamburgers he ate, he’s likely to throw up all over himself.
