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I can’t let her know that’s not the reason I’m crying. It’s not that I’m completely confused and need to go sleep on the idea of becoming a mother, probably a single mother since there’s no way anyone can ever know I slept with Grant Neville unless I want to be eaten alive by my sisters (and I know Dana will keep my secret; she’s good about that).
No, the reason I’m crying is because I know. I know the answer so well it scares me.
I want this baby. I can’t wait to have this baby.
I just wish I could share it with the man who gave it to me. A man I’ve implicitly cared about my whole life and now, in a short month and a half, yearn for with such intensity I feel like I might break in two. A baby only makes sense as the culmination of that fire.
Dr. Freeman sits with me until I’ve shed my tears and then walks me through what I should do next. Prenatals, checkups, etcetera. I take notes on my phone with immense detail, wiping my tear-stained cheeks and nodding along with what she says.
When I leave and head out to my car, the Los Angeles sunshine beats down on me. August.Hot. Somehow my body is covered in goosebumps. I’m freezing cold, stomach sinking.
Pregnant.
And yet, I can’t help the smile that slips onto my face.
I’ve always been a person who loves adventure. I’m just now realizing my definition of the word has been too narrow. Adventure isn’t just riding my bike up the California coast with no destination in mind. Having a baby is going to be an adventure in and of itself. The best one, hopefully.
It’s also one I know I won’t be able to do alone or quietly for that matter. I’m not ready to spill my guts to my sisters or my dad, yet my body aches to be around them. Just for comfort.
So, I hop on my bike (helmet on this time–got to think about getting something a bit moresensiblefor the immediate future) and head out to Burbank. Dad will be home. He still works at the law firm but only three days a week. He’s so close to retirement. Then he can spend a lot of time in his garden.
I feel like a new woman as the air whips around me. My heart beats with anticipation and my mind swirls with questions.
How am I going to pull this off? I can’t imagine Grant is interested in having a baby under these circumstances. But can I lie to my family? Tell them it was just a mistake, a roll in the hay. Just like Gillian….I’ve always given her so much shit. Not really forthat, but…
Maybe we’re more alike than I’d like to acknowledge.
I get to the house and let myself in with my house keys. “Dad! Are you home?” I call out. I didn’t check the garage for his car. “I took the day off from work. Thought we could grab some lunch or I could help around the house or–”
I stop dead in my tracks when I walk into the living room and see a very familiar face.
A face so familiar it may as well be mine when I look in the mirror.
“Mom?”
My mother is sitting on a couch in the living room. She looks at me with her sparkling brown eyes and a smile appears on her face. It feels forced. She didn’t expect me to just waltz in unannounced. “Harley? Is that–” She gets to her feet. “Is that really you?”
I’m transported back in time, looking at my mom in the house I grew up in. Just as it should have always been. Except she fucked it up.
“What are you doing here?” I ask in a small voice.
Mom takes a few steps toward me but notices my retreat. “I came back.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to see you and your sisters and…” She presses her hands to her mouth in a prayer position. “It’s been so long.”
Over ten years ago, this woman walked out of my life. Why would she want to see us now instead of when any of us graduated high school or when Gillian had a baby or when Amy got a book deal or…There are so manywhysfloating around in my head.
My dad appears in the doorway to the kitchen with two cups of coffee, one for each of them. He looks as if he’s seen a ghost, and he may as well have.
“Did you know she was coming?” I ask him, pointing at my mother as if she’s a scientific specimen.
Dad shakes his head slowly. “N-no.”
“It was a spur-of-the-moment decision,” Mom says with a laugh. “Let me hug you, Harley. Please, let me…”
I tighten my whole body as she loops her arms around me. But the second I smell her perfume, I lose my composure. So many memories flooding back. I forget the whys and the how comes. All I can do is curl into my mother’s chest, weeping for all the lost years.
