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“I’m trying to be serious.”
Gillian slips her arm through mine as we walk. “I know, I know. Sorry. Thank you, that means a lot. Likea lota lot.”
“How do you do it? Must be hard being a single mom.”
“I geta lotof help,” she says pointedly.
“Not just that, but emotionally. It must be weird.”
Gillian’s face screws together tight. “I guess it can be. You’d be surprised, though. A lot of women end up in my position.”
Yeah. Me.I almost tell her right then and there but decide against it. That would be a big burden for her to bear in front of all our sisters.
“I don’t have regrets if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“I know you don’t. You made a choice. I’ve always respected it.” I was in Australia when I found out Gillian was pregnant. She had tasked Dana with telling me. I’ve always nursed that as a minor heartbreak, that Gillian didn’t tell me herself. At the time, I was so steeped in my own bullshit, I barely paid mind to it. Maybe that broke Gillian’s heart as well. “And Stella is just the best.”
Gillian smiles. “She really is.” Then she looks over at me, eyebrow raised. “Why are you bringing this up?”
“Uhm. I don’t know.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I don’t!”
“I just said ‘uh-huh’!”
We both laugh. The laughter peters out into a comfortable silence. I don’t remember the last time Gillian and I were alone this long. I think we’ve both avoided it.
“Thanks for saying that, Harley. I’ve always thought you see me as some sort of fuck-up.”
“You?! A fuck-up? Gillian, that’s insane!”
She nervously laughs. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“You own a business, you’re a mom, and you are really strong in your beliefs, even if I think bacon is too good to give up.”
“Don’t forget cheese.”
“God, you vegans.”
Gillian chuckles. “I don’t know, Harley. I’ve sort of come by everything in life by accident. You’ve always had so much purpose and drive. I guess I’m a little jealous.”
If only she knew just how unplanned my life is. Then she’d be singing a different tune. “Gillian, everything in life is accidental. Literally, every single thing.”
“I guess you’re right.”
I can feel her beating herself up inside. She doesn’t fully believe me. Not yet. Soon, she’ll realize just how similar we are. Once I get the courage to let her know. “What’s your favorite part about being a mom?”
Gillian gasps. “Oh. That’s a hard question.”
“Take your time.”
We walk a long while in silence, rounding the block in the process.
“There are lots of things. But I think it’s when she comes to me with her big problems. And you know, a five-year-old’s big problems aren’t that big in the scheme of things, but to her, they are.” Gillian looks off into the distance. I focus on the beauty mark along her jaw. When I was a kid, I’d press it and say, “Polka dot!” and she’d always get mad. I think it’s beautiful now. “Knowing that she will come to me for comfort. That I can give her what she needs and grow with her. It’s special.”
Without realizing it, there are tears in my eyes. “That’s beautiful, Gilly.”
