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I tensed because … I was. I had to be.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, dropping my hands from his face and stepping back in fear that I would lose control again.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt any of them. They didn’t deserve it. They had waited four years for me.
Four years, and I’d scarred his face.
Tears welled up in my eyes. My knees gave out. I doubled over onto the ground, bending at the hip to curl into a ball. I hated this. I hated this so fucking much. I was nothing but ruined because of Dad. I couldn’t even live my life in peace without him.
He had turned me into a monster. He had turned me into a fiend. He had made me so insane that I hurt my own mates, something that he had probably wanted this entire time so he didn’t have to do it himself.
52
the monster
sina
I was a monster.
Nobody understood the pain that I had gone through every day for years, how much I had tried to believe that Dad just wanted to use my body for sexual favors and not for … this, how much agony this fucking brought me.
My chest tightened as I doubled over and held myself tightly. I wanted to love my mates and had been aching for them to open up more to me, so I could trust them not to hurt me, just like Dad had. I wanted to give them all of myself.
But not like this.
“I-I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling like the ultimate crybaby. I wished that I could just be hard, not feel a fucking thing, continued to live my life without my past constantly haunting me, like it had been.
“It’s okay,” Gaian said, crouching beside me and gently stroking my back.
“No, it’s not,” Thayer said, grabbing me by my upper arm and yanking me into the air.
Calder growled at him, canines extending, as if he was ready to snap Thayer in half. Even Darius and Gaian eyed Thayer in caution. I sucked in a sharp breath at the words that had come out of Thayer’s mouth. He was rightfully angry with me for what I had done to him.
He stared with those blazing red eyes and growled at me, his canines extended. “You’re fucking stronger than all of us, Sina. Stop fuckin’ thinking that you’re weak because of your father. He wanted to make you a fuckin’ monster for a reason, but he doesn’t control you anymore, and he’s not going to take you again.”
“But I-I am weak,” I whispered. “I can’t control myself. I hurt you. I—”
“You protected a pregnant woman and killed an almost-immortal being, and it tookthreeof us to restrain you. Stop believing the lies that your father fed you. He wanted you to believe that you were weak for a fucking reason, and right now, you’re still submitting to him.”
“I-I’m not.”
But everything that Thayer had said was the truth. I didn’t believe in myself because nobody had believed in me before, nobody had told me that I could do something. I had lain helplessly in my bed for so many nights that I started to believe that … I wouldn’t be able to fight back. Even without Dad’s potion in my system.
“You’re strong enough to fuckin’ kill your father, Sina.”
Thayer’s words stabbed me deep, right in the fucking gut. I stared into his red half-demon eyes, desperately trying to find any glimpse of him lying to me, of him making this all up to make me feel better. I didn’t feel like I deserved this. I had hurt him.
“Don’t lie to me,” I whispered, but I didn’t believe he was lying.
“He’s not lying,” Calder said.
I gripped Thayer’s shirt into my fists and clutched it hard. “Stop it.”
“You know I’m not fucking lying to you,” Thayer growled down at me, seeing right through the defenses that I’d put up. Something was holding me back, and even he saw it. “You’re strong.”
“No.”
“That’s fucking bullshit,” he said, raising his voice. “Fucking bullshit, and you know it.”
