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“Come in.” I opened the door wide, and he passed me.
“I apologize for the late knock, but I wanted to get your take on morale. Did you notice how lethargic the people were?”
“Is this something that has to be decided tonight?
He stared at me as if he didn’t have an answer.
“I…I was wondering, and I thought I would get your take.”
“You could have emailed or texted. I would have answered.”
And there it was…the smile. It was a smile, a nice smile, a great smile. It was like a microwave button, instant heat. He was focused on me, and I had the idea that he wanted me naked. I was pretty sure I wanted to be naked. It was disconcerting and yet terribly flattering. The attention was enough to put thoughts into the head of a statue. I pulled my robe together, just to make sure I hadn’t somehow enticed him.
“I’ll give you the short answer,” I said. Morale is iffy because there is no certainty for the workers. They don’t know if the merger will go through, or if it does, whose job is on the line. In times of uncertainty, people get scared.”
“That’s what I thought. Do we try something to give them more certainty?”
“I don’t think so. We’re too early in the process. I do not recommend lying to the workers. That would be wrong and breed discontent. We simply say we’re here to evaluate.”
“Perfect. I’ll instruct the team.” He nodded and headed for the door. “I’m sorry, Jasmine. I should have thought a bit more before I knocked on your door.”
“It would be wise to refrain from chatting at night when everyone else has gone to bed. We do not want to start rumors.”
“I…exactly. I’m sorry. Sometimes, my brain doesn’t look beyond the immediate. I’ve always followed the rule that it’s better to get an answer now rather than later.”
“It is. But a visit isn’t necessary in order to get information.”
“Right, right.”
He walked out, and I was left wondering just why he had come to my room. I was certain that one of the others in our group had seen him, which meant there would be a tale to tell the next day. I wanted to call him stupid, but that would be a childish response. I took off the robe and fanned my face to cool down. Apparently, I needed to set some ground rules with Codrin. Although, there was a part of me that didn’t mind being alone with him—just not in my hotel room.
Codrin apologized again at breakfast. I told him it was no big deal. I didn’t want to talk any more about it. Coffee and yogurt later, we headed back to the bank. I knew day two would be rougher than day one because by now, every employee knew we were there. While they didn’t know our mission, they guessed we were bad news. People almost always supposed the worst.
I wasn’t disappointed.
Day two saw the beginning of the counterattack. The employees weren’t so helpful or supportive. Their smiles were there, but their responsiveness diminished dramatically. The change was noticeable and expected. I smiled back. They weren’t going to change because it would make my life easier. I made the most of my access to their data. The IT techies wouldn’t rush to help me.
Lunch was a grim-lipped event. Codrin played cheerleader, smiling and telling jokes, trying to buck up the team. It worked to some extent simply because Codrin’s energy was infectious. I knew that we would have to circle the wagons and keep working. No one was going to bring us cupcakes. We were the enemy. Like everyone else, I questioned my job and commitment. While this had seemed like a good chance to impress people, in truth, it was going to be a slog. I didn’t see a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I kept my head down and worked, worked, worked.
At the end of the day, Codrin went around the table, getting a status report from each of us. I filled him in on what I had accomplished in HR. It wasn’t a whole lot, but it was something. I planned on getting to the paper files the next day. I would concentrate on those, as I couldn’t take them with me. I needed to know how many employees had notations in their files. Those would be the first people to be cut.
There was no shop talk at dinner, per Codrin’s orders. We left the office. We ate in a sports bar that had a hundred screens spread all around. The food was passable, and everyone had a screen to watch. I went back to my room and called Emily. She had not seen a cat mauling a bird, so she was in a good mood. Marcie was turning out to be a capable babysitter. I walked Emily through her day at school. She was probably having more success than I had had. The call ended, and I was alone again in my hotel room.
At that moment, I wished, wished with all my heart, that Wayne would call. I needed to hear his voice. I needed his clear-headed guidance. I needed his support. I had moved to Chicago to get away from the daily reminders. In my new home, I didn’t spot the clothes and shoes or scents that were pure Wayne. While I had displaced his things, I hadn’t displaced my need for him. I looked out the hotel window. My eighth-floor perch provided a nice view of Indianapolis, the downtown in the distance. I wanted to feel happy. I wanted to feel…wanted. If I had been home with Emily, I would have found something to distract me from my need. But I wasn’t at home. I was a stranger in a strange land. All I could do was accept and battle the loneliness that seemed to be growing with every passing day.
I remembered my Aunt Jean.
Aunt Jean was maybe forty when she lost her husband. I think my mother thought Jean would blossom once she was out from under her husband’s thumb. He was known to be more than a bit controlling. Instead of blossoming, Jean shriveled. That was the only way to describe it. She became thinner, her hair grayer, her shoulders stooped, and her brain drowning in a sea of TV shows. She became bones and skinny, and had a little belly that made her look like a frog. I remembered that.
A frog.
I did not want to become a frog. I didn’t want to shrivel. If Wayne wasn’t coming back, then I needed to plan another future. I had a chance in Chicago. I might be able to pump up myself. Yet, when I thought about doing things that would push me forward, I remembered Wayne. Did he want to come back to a woman who had outgrown him? Would he love the new me? That was my choice. I could remain the woman he had left behind, or reinvent myself, at the risk of not being the woman he had wooed. Did that make sense? I rested my head against the cool glass. I considered the stars. Did they hold the answer? Were the fates watching and deciding what would happen to me? I wanted to cry, and yet, I couldn’t cry. I had a daughter. I had a career. Crying was for people who could afford to feel sorry for themselves.
I couldn’t.
The only thing I could do was go to sleep—try to go to sleep. There was no guarantee that I would succeed.
If Codrin noticed the dark circles under my eyes, he ignored them. That was fine with me. I had never been someone devoted to makeup, but I did try to keep from looking like a zombie. Breakfast passed. We arrived at the bank. I was escorted to a room filled with file cabinets. There was a table, a rather uncomfortable chair, and of people I didn’t know. The files were in alphabetical order. Starting with “A,” I moved the files to the table, pulled out my paper tablet and a pen, and started the triage.
