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“Cats killing birds is a myth perpetrated by the kennel club of Illinois. There is no lack of birds here or squirrels. If you ever had to chase a squirrel out of your attic, you would welcome a few cats.”
“I’m sure I would.”
“My cats are neutered and well-fed. They hunt, of course. You can’t expect a mini-tiger to not hunt. But they are not feral, and they do chase away the vermin. Oh, rats and mice can be a problem too. These older houses are made for mice. If you become infested, I can lend you a cat or two.”
“I’ll pass at the moment. If I find mice, I’ll set traps.”
“Messy. Please do not poison them. They will limp between walls, die, and stink up the whole house. In fact, they might invade my abode and stink up my house.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Please do. The previous owner did not heed my advice. He suffered from a plague of rancid mice and a rat or two. He never saw the value of cats. He paid for his ignorance.”
Sylvester’s righteous attitude irritated me, as did the constant stroking he gave the cat in his arms.
“I’m glad you stopped by,” I said. “As I want to make sure you’re doing what you can to keep your cats on your own property.”
He stared a moment before he pushed up his glasses.
“You will note that your property has a good number of mature trees,” he said.
“They are lovely, aren’t they?”
“Until they drop their leaves. In years past, the previous owner did not rake up leaves regularly. One year, he actually burned leaves, which is strictly against the rules. More than once, he procrastinated to the point where the grass was covered by a sea of leaves. When the winds of November came out of the west, as usual, those leaves flew from his property to mine. I asked him to retrieve his leaves, and he said he would as soon as I identified the ones that belonged to him. He considered himself some sort of comic, I suppose.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“The city, state, and homeowners’ association have laws for a reason. They can be used to maintain the appearance of the neighborhood for the benefit of everyone living here.”
“Are you threatening me?”
I never considered myself quick to anger, but Sylvester was pushing all my buttons. I wasn’t going to take abuse, not even from a neighbor.
He smiled, informing me that he was, indeed, threatening me.
“Oh no,” he lied. “I would never do that. But, I assure you that I will not stand idly by and allow my property to be devalued. That would be suicidal.”
I nodded and returned his smile.
“I tell you what. I believe there are twice as many rules concerning pets, especially cats, as there are concerning leaves. What do you think? I’m guessing all those regulations are in some online database where they can be easily found and enforced. That would make someone’s job very easy.”
His face hardened, and his eyes narrowed. I could tell that I had touched a nerve.
“You probably think you’re the first clever homeowner I’ve dealt with. Let me assure you, that is not the case. More clever, richer, better educated, they all lost in the end. Do you really want to join them?” he asked.
“Good fences make good neighbors. I’ve always tried to live by that rule. We don’t have a fence between our properties, but that can be remedied.” I replied
“Not allowed, I’m happy to say. Oh, you can petition for an exemption, but most of the homeowners here will rise up against you.”
“I suppose I’ll have to dream up some medical reason to install a fence. I doubt the association can stop a fence that will keep me and my daughter healthy.”
“More than one person tried something that they thought was foolproof. They all failed. Oh, don’t get me wrong. They managed to get a patio or gazebo or some other structure installed, but they always removed it in a few months.”
“Ahhh, yes, sabotage. I would expect that from someone who can’t find a more cerebral way to win. I’m sure you’ve heard of security cameras and sirens and lights and all manner of ways to protect life and property. The best part is that the systems they sell online are cheap, very cheap. Did you know that cameras work in the dark and take photos? Very clear photos. No one would want to get caught doing something stupid in the middle of the night, or the middle of the day.”
“Cameras and detectors don’t take naps or vacations. In fact, some are so small you can hardly find them.”
I could tell I was getting to Sylvester. His face had turned red, and his lips quivered. I wondered if I had pushed him too far. If he had a heart attack and keeled over, would I be in trouble?
