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I scowled at him. "I'm not losing focus. I'm doing my job, okay?" I could hear the bite in my words, and I knew he was right. I had too much going on. "I don't want to talk about it, Gabe."
"That's the thing; I'm your handler. You're meant to talk to me. If not me, then who? This isn't like you."
"Pardon me for not being all little Miss Sunshine."
"You know full well that's not what I want from you. I need the truth. If this is too much, we'll take the mission in a different direction."
"Are you kidding? I just got him to trust me. I know how men work. Tomorrow, flowers are about to show up. There will be several showing up to the office and here in the flat."
He rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you can predict that he's going to send flowers. You can predict that he's going to want to see you. A hundred percent. But your response to them, what's that going to be?"
"You think I'm losing myself?"
"No, you're a better agent than that. I'm just saying, something is going on. I don't think it has anything to do with this case. Why don’t you want to tell me?"
It wasn’t that I didn't want to tell him; I couldn't tell him. I was up a creek with no raft. God, it was terrifying. Something was up with Kira. She was gone. Riley was scared. I couldn't tell him any of that. These were all exploitable facts. Facts I didn't necessarily want Rogues to exploit either.
"I'm good."
I could feel him watching me. He took my elbow again. "Look at me, Tabs."
I tried to look away, but then he pinched my chin between his thumb and forefinger. And when I tried to avoid his gaze, he tilted my chin and held it steady until my eyes met his. "When you're tired, you talk to me. When you're lonely, you talk to me. When you miss your normalcy so bad that you are craving to have one fucking night to be yourself, you talk to me. When you feel yourself slipping and you want to sleep with your assignment, you bloody come to me."
Liquid pooled low in my belly at the growl in his voice on the last line. "Cool your tits. It didn’t come to that. Thank God."
"I can see you're struggling with something, and I can't help you until you talk to me. It's already difficult enough watching you struggle and not knowing why. It's my job to fix it for you so you can focus on the mission at hand."
It would be so easy to just tell him. To just let it out and let him fix it for me. But whatever was going on with Kira wasn't something Gabe could put a Band-Aid on.
"I'm used to handling things on my own. Nothing's wrong. I have this. If you don't have faith in me, why did you put me under?"
"I have the utmost faith in you. Next to my sister, I trust you the most of anyone on my team. I trust you to teach the next class of Rogues. If that doesn’t tell you how I feel, I don't know what will." He was so honest, his voice raw as he met my gaze. "My concern is how you are coping, what you are feeling. I give zero fucks about this mission."
My eyes went wide. I’d never heard Gabe say something like that before. Everything was about the mission. It was rarely about the human, but he meant it. I could see it in the gravity of his eyes. And even though I could see it, feel it, I still couldn't bring myself to tell him that I'd screwed up royally. That everything was going to shit. There was no way I could confess that. I had to find a way to fix it. I nodded. "I hear you, Gabe."
His gaze was intense as he watched me, and then he did the most unexpected thing. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in, cocooning me in his heat. The scent of sandalwood and pine infiltrated my senses, making me inhale deeply.
With the calming waves I inhaled, I was a goner. I couldn't move. It was like an automatic relaxant. I sagged into him, letting him hold me and holding him back because I had no idea what else to do. He was offering me refuge.
In this anonymous flat, right on the opposite side of my fake life, Gabe Webb held me, letting all the tension ease out of my body. He gave me refuge in the storm. A man who didn't like me. A man to whom the mission was everything. But at that moment, I could be vulnerable.
When I went back to my room, I called the one person who knew me best.
Gabe had a right to question me because I was off. I was clearly not on my game. And I'd missed several warning signs tonight.
Saff answered right away. "Tabs, are you okay?"
In the background, I could hear Lachlan singing off key. Likely, he was dancing too.
"Yeah. I just… I don't know. I needed to hear your voice."
"Any time. What's going on?"
I opted for as much truth as I could give her. “This is harder than I thought it would be. And I don't know. I just can't seem to talk to Gabe.”
Saffron sighed. "I know, love. I wish I was your handler."
It didn't make sense that Saff wasn't my handler.
