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She nodded her head over at one of the frames on the wall, an illustration of a strange tangle of figures and weeds and teeth and chains. It was one of my favorite things I'd ever drawn. Harry had 'genuinely disliked' it, as strong a term for hate as he would use. He'd found it disturbing and confusing, and I’d caught him studying it occasionally with a twist of disgust on his usually placid features.
"I'm…" My cheeks were hot. Harry wasn't the only one I hid things from. "I'm not even sure I really want the things I think of, or if I just…like thinking about them."
Natalie stared blankly back at me for a moment and then blinked. She glanced down at Emmett in her arms before turning to tuck him gently sleeping into his carrier before facing me again.
"Are we talking sex stuff?"
I made a soft, strangled sound at the back of my throat, and Natalie answered with a stifled squeal.
"We are!" she gasped, obviously delighted. "Sit, sit, sit."
I pulled out a chair from the dining room table and realized this was one of Harry's pieces of furniture, and in a couple weeks it might not even be here. Strangely, or cruelly maybe, the realization thrilled me. I would find new furniture and get great material for my work—mercenary, but a refreshing change.
"It's not just that. Harry never wanted to try anything new, but that was food and going to new places as much as it was…"
"Positions," Natalie finished for me, elbow propped on the table and her chin in her hand.
Positions were barely the tip of the iceberg, but I shrugged and nodded.
I wasn't sneaky enough, and Natalie knew me too well. Her eyes narrowed and her grin grew sly. "Scenarios," she purred, eyebrows waggling.
My flaming face and throat was answer enough.
Natalie laughed and relaxed in her seat. "Sunny, it's me. Don't be embarrassed. I've told you all about Theo's full moon appetite. If you think we aren't up to some kinky shit while my mom takes Emmie, you are underestimating me."
I knew Theo had Natalie chain him up in their reinforced basement, sometimes a generous amount of time before he shifted.
"Did you know before you met Theo that you would…enjoy that kind of thing?" I asked.
Natalie frowned in thought. "I mean…I guess not. I definitely hadn't considered the idea of chaining and collaring any previous boyfriends. I don't know that Theo really had with any of his partners, either, to be honest."
"I'm worried it's just…in my head. And that what I had with Harry really was enough."
Natalie shook her head and smiled softly at me, reaching across the table. "Sunny, babe, if it was enough, it would've felt like enough. Maybe not every day. There are moments where I think about what my life would be like if I'd run a little harder for being a designer. But a good chunk of the time I'm really happy, and I don't want things any other way but the way I have them."
I nodded and fiddled with a framed print. That sense of satisfaction had been rare and fleeting with Harry.
"Maybe…maybe you should just figure it out," Natalie said, her tone rarely delicate.
I stared at her and she stared back, her brown cheeks darkening just a touch.
"Figure it out?"
"Try," she said. "Try some of your fantasies. You have a week to spend away from here, right? I mean, you could come stay with us, if you wanted. Or your parents. Or take a cute trip for work. Or…you could see if this part of yourself you've been avoiding facing is a daydream or something you really want."
"I…I mean, I…"
That doesn't sound safe, I thought. But I hadn't told Natalie what I wanted.
To be claimed, chased, hunted. So many ideas, a little voice whispered.
But I couldn't just go on DateGrab and ask some stranger to lock me up and fuck me three ways from Sunday without potentially risking my safety. I'd given this enough thought to know that what I wanted was a delicious illusion. One I could walk out of if I wasn't enjoying myself.
"It just sounds dangerous," I admitted.
Natalie's gaze flared with curiosity, but I was surprised to see her take a deep breath and brace herself, thinking for a moment. She nodded slowly. "I see your point. But you're thinking about the general populace, right?"
I wrinkled my nose at the phrasing and laughed a little. "Uh, sure. Like…I'm not unwilling to have a one-night stand, but there's fucking and then there's—"
