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She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“Okay.”
“I really — I really am sorry. I mean it.”
“Okay, Syd.”
“I’ll pay you back.”
“I said you don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
I sighed. “I’ll leave that up to you, but I don’t expect it. I forgive you. That’s all. You don’t owe me anything. We can be done.”
In the pause that followed, I caught Patrick watching us — watching me. The crack in his cool was widening, and it didn't show the beast inside anymore. It showed…softness. Yearning. A hunger for forgiveness.
“All right.” Sydney opened the door and peeked back over her shoulder. “Good luck.”
“Hey, Syd,” I said softly.
She turned. I took a breath.
“Have you ever been your own first choice?”
She opened her mouth to reply, then closed it. Squeezed her eyes shut. Shook her head.
“Maybe you should be.”
*****
The next hour was a blur. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed, preferably with Patrick. Instead, I handed him back his phone and wondered if he’d see Nick’s call.
Amelia decided that for the first time this year, as an extra-special treat for finals, she wanted Marcus to stay over. She also wanted me to help search her room in case Sydney had been in there. As soon as we finished, my parents called Alexis, full of questions because Daniel had called them, sleep-deprived and worried.
My sister held the phone out to me and whispered, “You take this. I can’t handle Mom and Dad right now.”
I groaned and took the call.
I put my parents off by explaining that Alexis was with me and we’d all talk tomorrow. Alexis took her phone back to have a teary conversation with Daniel out in the building hallway. After a while, the sounds of hiccuping laughter came through. Patrick put a bowl of Chex in front of me and told me to eat it, because my stomach was growling and all he could find in my kitchen were five kinds of cereal.
Packing the money back into the heart-shaped box, I thought about my final papers and projects due next week. And the Adderall I’d announced I was quitting.
I made up the couch for Alexis with sheets and a blanket. When she came back into the apartment, I tucked her in. Patrick disappeared into the hall.
“How’d things go with Daniel?” I whispered. Music filtered through Amelia’s closed door. It was the first time I’d heard her playing it.
Alexis yawned, her eyelids drifting closed. “Incredibly hard at first. But once the band-aid was ripped off…it got a little easier to be so honest. I don’t know if we’re meant for each other, Christina. But we’re going to try to at least be real together and see what happens.”
I patted her arm.
“Did you get a summer internship?” she murmured.
“Nope. Just a list of rejections to put on my resume, along with ‘companion.’ I’ll try to get a job at the mall.” I laughed a little, thinking of Marcus. “I should have let you help me.”
“I still could. Would you let me do that for you?”
“Okay, yeah.” I exhaled. “Thank you. I’d appreciate your help.”
