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Stuffing the paper in my tote bag, I hurried into the closest building to clean up. I blew my nose in the ladies’ room and splashed my swollen eyes with water.
Maybe you can find someone else to keep you warm tonight.
Leaning close to the mirror, I dabbed powder on my reddened cheeks. When I wasn’t falling apart, I was cute. Pretty, on a good day. Not spectacular. Few people truly were, just a lucky few. I was reminded of that every time I looked at a family photo.
I pulled my long dark hair into a ponytail and applied lip gloss. Smoothing my white sweater, I adjusted my tight jeans.
I could deal with my problems. I wouldn’t beg for favors. If I was a failure, a fuckup, and a fraud, it was my own fault, and if I fussed with my appearance enough, maybe something good would happen.
2
Little Lies
Christina
A blast of warm air engulfed me when I opened the front doors of the business school. Grateful for the heat, I claimed a corner of the couch in the lobby and curled up in a ball. I was early for my study group.
Maybe, before the building locked up for the night, I could sneak back in and crash on this couch. I was desperate enough to try.
I could hear my parents’ voices chorusingAlexis would NEVER…
No, she wouldn’t. Alexis would never be up all night either, terrified in the cold and dark like a little kid, because she’d blown all her cash in the name of fun.
Two people strolled by who I knew from a marketing class, and I chatted cheerily with them like I was having the best day. When they left, I pulled out my homework. I was behind.
As the words blurred in front of me, I saw everyone smirking in Victorian Lit. Heard their laughter. Felt the click of my heels as I hurried to Professor Lowe to apologize.
Any other day, falling asleep in class would be a minor embarrassment. It wasn’t my usual, but I’d laugh it off and move on. Now, I felt a wave of shame.
And in my head, apologizing to Professor Lowe played out differently.
He didn’t chuckle and tell me not to worry. Instead, he frowned. His voice turned disapproving.
I’m very disappointed in you, Christina.
I’m sorry,I said breathlessly.So, so sorry. Please, I’ll do anything.
Oh, Jesus. Not now. I pushed my homework away and rattled around in my purse, looking for candy, gum, my phone, anything.
But when I did, all I could think about was the eighteen dollars and thirty-one cents in my wallet. I’d counted and recounted it in the bathroom stall, like I expected the money to multiply and have bill babies.
Five dollars, I could borrow from somebody. But I needed a few hundred.
Anything?Professor Lowe repeated, his eyebrow quirking.Then follow me to my office. Marcus, since you’re here, please follow me too. Christina’s going to need a firm hand.
Christina, seriously? Marcus?
I gave up. Gave in. Escaped into the fantasy, because I didn’t have the strength to fight it off right now.
Professor Lowe’s office door closed and locked with a firm click. I bent over the desk, wearing one of my old cheerleading uniforms, vulnerable with my skirt flipped up. Firm spanks landed on my ass. I didn’t know whose breath was on me, whose zipper was coming down, whose hands were stripping off my clothes as Professor Lowe lectured about disciplining me in front of the entire class next time.
Desperately embarrassed, I pleaded that I was sorry. I begged Marcus to forget the money I owed him.
I’ll do whatever you want,I gasped.Just don’t make me pay.
These were the fantasies no one knew about, the fantasies I’d never share. The fantasies that made me come, alone, when no one was watching and no one expected anything of me.
I felt warm now, inside and out. But suddenly a different hand gripped me between my legs in the daydream. A deep voice whispered words that were softer and far more humiliating. I shuddered.
