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I pulled her close, tucking her into my chest. This was the opposite of empty. With Parker, even the most mundane things felt so significant. “Honestly, I’ve spent most of my life alone. I always assumed it would stay that way. I had casual relationships because it was convenient and fun. At least for a while. And now I’m back in Lovewell, older, maybe a little wiser. Realizing that it’s okay that there isn’t one perfect person out there for me.”
She pulled away from me. She didn’t say anything. Just picked up her mug and took a quiet sip of coffee. Then she carefully placed the mug on the counter, wound up, and punched me in the shoulder.
“Ow,” I said, jumping back and rubbing the spot. Shit, she was strong.
“You expect me to believe that shit? There is no right person for you? That you’re empty and stuck and there’s no hope? Talk about self-pity bullshit.”
Jesus, she was feisty. “You don’t have to believe me. I know it in my bones. I’m an asshole. I’m selfish, inflexible, and obsessed with work. Not exactly a dream date.”
She turned around and leaned on the counter, putting her head in her hands. “You’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you?” she asked between her fingers.
I cocked my head to the side. Because I had no idea what “it” was.
She stood tall and rounded on me. “You are making excuses. I’ve been your roommate and fake girlfriend for what, a month now? And I don’t see any of those things. Want to know what I see? I see someone intensely devoted to his family, at the expense of his own dreams and feelings. Someone who gives of himself every day for the betterment of his community. Who goes to extremes to protect the people he cares about.”
I stood, frozen, my heart in my throat. She didn’t see me as some closed-off prick who used women and alienated people?
She poked me in the chest. At this rate, I’d be covered in bruises from this woman. “And selfish? You visit your mother constantly. You bankroll every need this town can come up with, and they don’t even know it.”
I shrugged. “I’m a Gagnon. It’s what we do.”
She poked me again, even harder this time. We were standing chest to chest, and she was fuming. God dammit, the image made me wonder whether I should make a run for it or drop to one knee and propose. Parker saw me. Really saw me. And it terrified the living shit out of me.
“Nope. Not buying it. You don’t have to stay here if you hate it.”
“I don’t hate it.”
“Then why all the resentment? Why do you lash out and push away the people you care about?”
Pain and shame and sadness bubbled up inside me, right along with hope and fear. And as much as I wanted to push them all back down like I’d done for the last thirty-five years, I couldn’t do it. Parker, standing in front of me looking beautiful and raw and like she really, deeply cared about me, made me want to be that guy. The guy who could be good enough for her.
“Because I’m angry at myself,” I said finally. “I hated this place, and I got out of here as fast as I could after high school. I was ashamed of this tiny town. Ashamed of how generations of my family had made their living. I wanted a white-collar job and a fancy imported car, and I didn’t want to be out in the woods every day.”
She brushed a finger across my cheek. Shit. I was tearing up.
“There is nothing wrong with wanting to pave your own way.”
I shook my head. She didn’t get it. “But I pushed all this away. I detached. Wasn’t there for my parents or my siblings. And then my dad died. I’ll never get to be close to him. We’ll never have the relationship I always wanted. I will forever be the child he didn’t have a connection with.”
The tears fell freely now. I wasn’t a crier. Hadn’t cried since Dad’s funeral, and that was in the privacy of my own car. Fuck. I should stop. I should be ashamed to cry in front of Parker.
But this was necessary. I had to tell her my secrets and break down in front of her in order to do this right. To build something solid with her.
Because I desperately wanted that. The very thing I had never allowed myself to want. And if I didn’t get past all this other shit, I’d never have it.
“I never met your dad, but it’s obvious he loved you as much as he loved your siblings. Your mom loves you so much, she puts up with your overprotectiveness. And your brothers and Adele? They respect you, despite the shit that comes out of your mouth.” She wrapped her arms around my neck, pressing her head to my chest.
Closing my eyes, I tucked my chin and breathed her in, let her scent wash over me.
“If you were my brother, I’d kick your teeth in for the way you speak to Remy. But he idolizes you. You just can’t see it.”
She held me close, never wavering as I cried in my kitchen. I kissed the top of her head as my tears fell into her hair. Everything hurt but somehow felt lighter at the same time. Parker was slowly undoing all the knots I’d been tying myself into for all these years.
“You can always apologize, you know.” She looked up at me with a small smile.
If it meant she’d look at me like this again, I’d do anything she asked me to.
“And above everything, it’s time to figure out how to forgive yourself. You’re allowed to change your mind and shift priorities. Just because you hated it here when you were a kid doesn’t mean you can’t love it now. Maybe you do want to be here, but you don’twantto want that.”
