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“It’s okay,” I whisper, stroking his face. “You’re here, not there. They can’t ever hurt you again. Sometimes talking about bad memories helps ease the burden. And you, Mr. Slater, try to carry everything on your shoulders. Let me help. Please.”
“I hate exposing you to my demons, Lake.”
“I can handle it,” I tell him.
For a long moment he doesn’t say anything, but I can tell he’s thinking over my offer. Then he releases a heavy, pent-up sigh. “We were in Syria and, let me tell you, that was one fucked-up place. They were constantly in violation of the UN and other agreements for the shit they pulled on a daily basis—from their advanced chemical and biological weapons programs to pumping over 100,000 barrels a day of illicit Iraqi oil. But the most critical issue was that they provided safe haven to at least seven terrorist groups on the State Department’s list of bad guys. Recruits were sent there to receive training with weapons, explosives, suicide operations, intelligence activities, hostage-taking. Hell, you name it.”
“So you were sent there to stop them.”
He nods. “My team and I went in with instructions to neutralize a high-ranking leader while a SEAL team blew the terrorist training camp to pieces. But our intel wasn’t accurate and it turned into a shit show of epic proportions. Fallon and my guys got pinned down.”
His voice trails off and I can see the tangle of emotions flashing through his teal eyes. My heart clenches and I reach for his hand which tightens almost painfully around mine.
“One of my guys was injured,” he continues, voice low, haunted. “I remember looking over at him, the others, Fallon. I refused to lose them. They were my brothers, my sister, the only family I had left since my parents died. I decided that I’d do whatever I could to save them. Even if it meant sacrificing myself.”
“What did you do?” I ask in a ragged whisper.
“Distracted the fuckers who had us pinned. I went completely kamikaze. Never expected to live, but somehow I did. And my team escaped, so I accomplished what I’d set out to do.”
“But what about you?”
“I got captured. It was the longest 24 hours of my life. They wasted no time trying to force answers out of me with every torture technique they could think of. But I was ready for it, prepared to handle it all. Except…”
When he doesn’t continue, I know that this is the root of his horrific memory. The one I plan to rip out and destroy. “Except?” I press gently.
He heaves out another sigh, staring up at the ceiling as he forces the words out of his constricted throat. “When the screaming, hitting, cutting and waterboarding failed to break me, they tied me up and dropped me head-first into a well. I tried to stay calm, but getting a mouth and nose full of dirty, stagnant water didn’t help. I started thrashing, trying to curl my body up, desperate for fresh air. I almost drowned. Hell, I half did. When they finally pulled me out, they had to forcefully expel the water from my lungs.”
“Oh, Dash,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
“I kept telling myself that it was okay if I died because my team had made it. I knew they escaped because Fallon called me on the radio before I smashed it. But I didn’t want to die in that hellhole, by the hands of those evil fuckers.”
“How did you escape?”
“My team came back for me. Fallon pinpointed my location before I destroyed my GPS and led the op that saved my ass. I owe her and the others my life.”
“They owe you, too,” I remind him, running a hand through his thick, black hair. “You’re always trying to save everyone else.”
“Not always,” he murmurs darkly. His gaze turns turbulent and I slide closer, waiting for him to continue. “When my team came for me, I was relieved, of course, but I remember feeling a rage like I’d never felt before. We neutralized my captors, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted revenge and something inside of me snapped. There were others nearby—more men, their wives…”
He hesitates and I listen as he reveals his deepest, darkest demons. The ones whose claws have been tearing his soul apart for years.
“They’d watched me get dragged inside that place and they knew what was happening. Heard my screams. They didn’t show me any empathy so…I didn’t show them any. I let the darkness take over and made sure that none of them would ever hurt anyone else again. I slaughtered them all. Just kept pulling the trigger until Fallon and the others dragged me out.”
When his eyes finally meet mine, the turmoil I see in their depths is almost my undoing. All I want to do is help him bury these painful memories. But he hasn’t even revealed the worst yet.
“It wasn’t just adults,” he admits slowly. “There was a child, too.”
His voice breaks and my heart splits in two. “A child?” I echo. The teacher inside of me who spends her days molding and caring for children begins to weep. “You killed—”
“No!” He rakes a hand through his hair. “I’d never kill a child. She’d been hiding and then I saw her when we were leaving. I just left her there, surrounded by the dead.”
When his teal eyes brighten with unshed tears, I lay my hand over his. “Dash…” I whisper, wishing I could take the guilt and pain away. I can’t begin to imagine his burden or the pressure that came with what he used to do.
My eyes slide shut and I lay my head against his shoulder, trying to absorb some of his suffering. “Everyone has dark and light within themselves. You’re a good man, Dash. Please stop punishing yourself for things done in the heat of battle, in murky moments of trying to survive. Because no matter what you believe, I know the truth. You’re a fierce and loyal protector who would do anything to save the ones you love. And I love that about you.” My gaze locks onto his and the words pour straight out of my heart when I say, “I love you, Dash.”
“Lake…” He reaches over and cups my face. “I have no idea what I did to deserve you and I couldn’t love you more,” he whispers, staring at me with what almost looks like wonder.
Tears fill my eyes. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve you either.”
