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Alex stands silently and faces the house. The windows are boarded up, the wood siding shows wear, and the roof shingles are green with moss. At some point, the house was beautiful. It must have looked historic, with various wings coming off the house that added elegance.
“Let’s go look at the gardens and courtyard.”
I follow him around the house to the back. The shrubs are massively overgrown, with branches scattered about and leaves everywhere. I can’t even tell where the courtyard was.
“I had the pool drained. It’s over in that direction.”
It’s not even visible. The weeds have taken over. I turn towards him. “Does that bring you happiness?”
“Not happiness exactly, but a grim satisfaction.”
I hold up my hands. “Why? This place feels like some sort of shrine to your childhood pain. You need to find a way to let it go instead of clinging to it.”
Alex faces me, and his anger is palpable. “I’m not clinging to it. The opposite, in fact—I’m neglecting it as much as he neglected me.”
My thoughts freeze. I have no idea what he means. His father is no longer on this earth.
He moves a few feet away. “He loved his gardens and was always working in them. He’d hate weeds strangling his precious roses.”
I can feel tears slipping down my cheeks. “I don’t think so. Without alcohol clouding his judgment, he’d feel gutted that his son is holding onto all of his pain.”
Alex takes me into his arms. “Don’t feel sad, Immy. I’m okay. I promise. His legacy is not my legacy. I don’t wall myself off and cause others pain. That is what he did.”
I put my arms around his waist. “I feel so confused by all of this. It worries me that you are letting this happen.”
He kisses the top of my head. “I have moved on. I travel the world. I’m not stuck.”
I let out the breath I’d been holding. And I think to myself, not physically, emotionally.You haven’t moved on emotionally. But I decide not to share my thoughts. I don’t understand any of this. “Maybe we should get our camp ready?”
I walk with him to the front of the house. We take our backpacks and some supplies out of the car in silence. I make an effort not to look at the Peugeot. All of this is so sad.
“Now that I’m an adult, it’s not that far to the backfield.”
I walk with him through the overgrown lawns until we get to the edge of the forest.
“I would camp not far from here.” Alex walks into the woods.
It’s secluded and quiet. A little cold for camping, but staying in the house is not an option.
“There are some remnants here from years ago.” He points to some small rocks in a circle and a knife stuck in a tree.
Within a short time, Alex has the tent up and a fire blazing. I check the time. It’s nearly four o’clock.
“Is it odd not to be alone?” I imagine a young boy being proud of his ability to go it alone.
Alex looks at me. “I’m happy to have your company.”
I sit on a small camping stool and enjoy the fire. Alex continues to stack up dead wood and branches. I glance around at the canopy of the forest. There is something wonderful about this area.
“I’m heading back to get a few more supplies.” He leans down and kisses my mouth.
I smile and unzip my jacket a few inches. The fire is already throwing off heat.
It’s been an odd day. When his mother told me that the estate was closed up, I had no idea that Alex was letting it rot into the ground. I wonder if his mother knows. I guess she wouldn’t want to return to it.
My mind struggles to make sense of all of it. Alex is meticulous and responsible. I would have guessed he’d have either kept up the estate or sold it. But leaving it to disintegrate is confusing. It’s unresolved. It shows he has buried his anger or rage. I don’t know if he’ll be able to let it go and move on.
18
