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No one knows for sure that Donnelly and I had sex.
So Xander and Kinney are among the ones that have zero idea that I’ve had any romantic involvement with Donnelly. In their eyes, we’rejust friends.
And now she’s starting to Nancy Drew this like it’s The Case of Her Big Sister’s Strange Love Life. I guess Donnelly visiting my bedroom is fishy—even if I could blame it on a friendly encounter.
“Okay,” I breathe, my eyes raw. My heart has already floated out of my body. I think I truly did give it to Donnelly before he left.
“Okay?” She sounds harsh, but her frown deepens. “Are you upset about him or are you upset about your leaked fics?”
The leaked fics happened at 2 a.m.—last night or this morning, depending on your viewpoint of 2 a.m.—and it feels as fresh as Donnelly just leaving my parents’ house. My Fictitious account is deactivated. Gone. My stories likeHuman Him, Cosmic Herare no longer on the web for people to disparage, but screenshots are forever.
The internet is forever.
I haven’t looked again to see what people are saying. I’m scared.
Really scared.
An overwhelming pressure tries to crush my chest, and I intake a tighter breath.
“I don’t know,” I mutter.
“You don’t know?” she snaps like that’s impossible.
How could I not know what’s troubling me?I do know.I know it’s everything. I know it’s easier to just shut down. To switch anoffbutton.
Staring far away at the floorboards, I lift my hoodie’s hood over my head, and I imagine I’m disintegrating after a Thanos snap. I’m fluttering pieces of dust, drifting into the air. No one feels pain after they dust. They’re just gone.
Invisible.
Not present for the bad days, the awful months, and then they reemerge years later as time has passed without them. Without me.
“Luna,” Kinney says shakily.
I’m not looking at my sister. My life—it’s changed in ways I didn’t imagine. In ways I didn’t want. With my fics. With Donnelly.
We can’t be together.
Not yet.
Maybe never.
Pain flares again, and I try to go numb.
“Luna,” Kinney forces out my name.
“What do you want me to do?” I whisper.
“Something! Don’t just stand there looking dead!” It’s then that I hear her panic, and I avoid her gaze while I skim the bookshelves in my childhood bedroom and the star embroidered fabric tapestries billowing from the ceiling.
What would Kinney do if her heart was broken?
Destroy.
Everything.
Breath stuck in my throat, I bolt to my desk and sweep my arms across the surface. A metal lamp, Marvel comic books, and Funko Pops crash against the floor. I don’t stop to revel in the destruction. I just create more like a wild creature has body-snatched me. Blood pumping hot, I rip at the hanging fabrics. Dark blue tapestries tear from their thumbtacks in the ceiling.
“Oh…kay,okay…this is good,” Kinney says, more to herself. Louder, she tells me, “Let it out, Luna. Go for the pillows!”
