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“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known. But everyone needs a little help now and then.”
She laughed but there was no humor in it. “Not you. You’ve never seemed to need help with anything.” Or from anyone, she added silently.
“Not true,” he said.
He pulled her closer and burrowed into her softness. Grace wondered if anyone else knew that the most dangerous man in the world liked to snuggle.
“It was my fault.” She could barely get the words past her dry throat as she broke the silence between them.
“What?” Gabe asked, leaning over her so he could see her face.
Her eyes were dry. She didn’t think there were any more tears left in her.
“Maddie’s death was my fault,” she said in a rush. “I should have known we were being watched. It was my job to know. But we went to the park that day anyway. I wanted to spend some more time with her because I’d been given a job in South America, and I was supposed to leave the next day. Whoever took the shot was good. I didn’t hear the report until she was already down, and by then it was too late.”
Gabe stroked her back, and she slowed her breathing, trying to get the images from that day out of her mind. “I kept waiting for my turn. I kept hoping for it as I held her. But the second shot never came, and I knew that living was going to be its own kind of death. Everything I’d been trained for failed me that day. I never even noticed them.”
“Believe me, Grace. Tussad can afford to hire the best. You can’t blame yourself for this. Sometimes bad things happen, and you can’t question why. I liked it a lot better when you were putting the blame on my shoulders.”
She tried to smile, but her face seemed frozen. “I wanted to blame you. You were the most convenient target. But it wasn’t your fault. I understand the burden you carry with your job, Gabe. I didn’t want to understand at that time, but someone has to do it. And no one’s better at it than you are.”
“If Tussad hadn’t found out I was undercover, none of this would have happened.”
“I’ve stopped trying to play the ‘What if’ game. Nothing will bring her back. I don’t know if I can finish this job with you. I’m no good anymore. My instincts are off, and Ethan was right. I’m no better than a mercenary, though I do have my standards as to who I’ll work for.”
“I know that. I’ve been keeping track of you the last couple of years.”
“I needed the money the side jobs brought. I couldn’t afford to pay my contacts to keep track of Tussad. He moves so frequently, and I had to make sure I’d be told whenever he surfaced. But every lead I’ve gotten has been a dead end.”
“I know, baby,” he said. “I understand why you’ve made the choices you have. You don’t have to justify anything to anyone.”
“But I’m not the same person I was, Gabe. You saw what happened back in Abadan. I never know when it’s going to happen. Anything can set it off—a group of schoolchildren walking down the street, a family having a picnic. Making it through a job without losing focus is rare. I know it’s dangerous, but I can’t seem to find the strength to care.”
She longed to tell him what had finally sent her over the edge, and the words were almost on the tip of her tongue before he spoke.
“Do you know the reason I really left the agency?”
Grace turned partially over onto her back so she could face him.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because I stopped caring. I started taking ops that were no more than suicide missions. I had to have that element of danger that made me think,this will be the one that finally kills me. It was the only way I could feel alive.”
“And now?”
“Forming ISF has kept me busy. I’ve worked eighteen-hour days for the past year so I wouldn’t have to remind myself that I should be dead. To remind myself that I can’t kill Tussad if I’m six feet under.”
“You have to promise me something, Gabe.” Grace could tell by the stiffening of Gabe’s body and the hard look that came into his eyes that he already knew what she was going to say.
“No, I won’t do it,” he said. “We go in together and we come out together. Those are the rules.”
“No, Gabe. This is what the rest of my life is meant for. I know it with certainty. I will gladly trade my life for Tussad’s. You have to promise me that when it’s time to take him out, that I go it alone. If I don’t make it, you have to swear you won’t jeopardize your own life by trying to get me out. What you do is too important to risk yourself.”
“Shut up, Grace. I’m not even going to have this discussion. I’d never send anyone on my team on a suicide mission.” Gabe sat up on the side of the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. “We’re all worth too much, not just me. I swear to you we’ll find a way to get to Tussad. It might take some time, but we’ll get him. You’ve got to trust me on this.”
Gabe couldn’t mask the hurt in his eyes as she hesitated in her response. She didn’t mean to hurt him. Didn’t want to hurt him. But she wasn’t sure she was capable of trust anymore after everything she’d been through.
He blew out an impatient breath and got out of bed, rummaging through the closet for clean clothes.
