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I feel like I’ve entered the Twilight Zone and I can’t decide if I want out, or stay right here, in a world where Ryder Monroe apparently finds me irresistible…
Tillie
Ryder didn't try walking me to my house. No, at his insistence, after walking me to grab my pizza, he walked me back to his truck. I confess that I was so shell shocked that I meekly agreed, unable to stop myself from going along with his plans, whatever they may be. I can't even explain to myself why.
Actually, that's a lie.
The truth is I've always had a crush on Ryder.Always.Even when he was Emily's long-term boyfriend, and his heart belonged to her. I still wanted him for myself. I used to tell myself it was a silly schoolgirl crush, but deep down I know that wasn’t true. I was in love with him. Maybe—at that age—I didn’t understand everything about that particular emotion, but I was still in love with him. I thought I got him out of my system after the pain I endured because of him, but now, I’m starting to worry I was wrong.
My emotions are all over the place right now. I can't ignore that Ryder has said he wants me. The confession he gave burns inside me and I can’t seem to stop myself from thinking about it. I try to tell myself that it could just be a line, but it’s not like Ryder is the type of man that needs lines. I have a list of all the reasons I should push Ryder away running through my head, but I can't seem to grab hold of any of them. This is going to hurt, but it'll be hurt that I get through privately. Ryder will go back to Texas and playing baseball. He won't ever see how deep my hurt goes. If I give in to the temptation to have a small taste of him, I can worry about the fallout later.
The other thing going through my mind is quite basic, I guess. I'm way too old at this point to never have had really great sex...at least once. Heck, I'd settle for mediocre sex at this point. I know Ryder is the only man I've ever thought of in that way. With my ex, sex was because that's what happens in relationships—notbecause I wanted to jump his bones. I think Ryder could definitely give me freaking amazing sex. I just have to caution myself not to expect anything other than sex—which might be easier said than done.
“You're being awfully quiet over there, Buttons. Are you okay?” Ryder asks.
“You're never going to use my name, are you?” I counter.
He glances from the road to give me a cocky smile. “If you want, I could call you Tilda if you'd like.” I don’t respond other than to give him a mean look that just makes him laugh. “I'm assuming I'm headed to your parent's place?”
“You get a gold star,” I respond. His assumption—however true—hurts a little. It worries me that his assumption means he thinks I am not strong enough to stand on my own. It’s silly, but it’s the way I feel.
“Will your father shoot me when I bring you home?” he asks.
His question surprises me, making me laugh. “Doubtful. He'll be like the rest of the county and wonder what you're doing spending time with me.”
“You don't actually believe that,” Ryder says, frowning.
“Why not? It's the truth.”
“If that's what you truly believe, Tillie, we need to work on how you see yourself.”
I peer at him, unsure if he’s being honest with me. I feel out of depth and try to hide it by being sarcastic. “Look at you, you can use my name.”
Even now, it's hard to just blatantly look at him. In school, I would sneak peeks of him, feeling my insides turn to mush when he would give a cocky smile on the ballfield. He's always been so handsome that he could rob my breath with just a twitch of his lips…
“I’m being serious with you, sweetheart. You're beautiful,” Ryder insists.
I laugh, looking anywhere but at him. “Sure, whatever you say, Ryder.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. “It doesn’t matter either way, though. My parents are out of town celebrating their wedding anniversary, so you don't need to worry about my father taking his shotgun to you.”
“So, you’re saying this is my lucky night.”
I ignore the fluttering feeling in the pit of my stomach at his words. I’m quickly getting over my head here. “I still think I should convince Tucker to take you for professional help,” I mutter.
“I’d prefer it if you stay away from Tucker. I’d hate to have to hurt my brother for trying to make a move on my girl.”
I blink. “Your girl? I think you need to back up a little bit, Ryder.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” I don’t know what to say in response to that and thankfully he asks another question before I’m forced to try and come up with something. “Why don't you drive to work?”
“It's barely a ten-minute drive. The walk is nice sometimes. It helps me to clear my head and unwind.”
“Can I ask why you never left Pine Ridge?”
“I think about it sometimes, but I'm not you. I’ve never had a lot of goals or dreams like you did. I guess I'm kind of simple that way. I’m happy with my life for the most part.” I pause. “What about you, Ryder? Are you happy?”
He pulls into my driveway, smiling at me. “I'm getting there.”
His words feel like he’s hinting that his happiness depends on me. It makes me feel nervous, but then I come to my senses. He’s probably talking about his career. That makes much more sense. I’m going insane here. I should call an end to all of this, but despite all of my overwhelming feelings, I don't want this time with him to end. Besides, this is the first time I haven't made a fool of myself with him. That’s at least progress.
