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I wince, because I’ve seen Ida Sue mad, and her fury is a sight to behold—and not a good one. If that woman directs her anger at you, your balls will curl up and try to hide inside of you.
And I’m not lying.
“I’m afraid to ask.”
“Well, Mom got Rooster to agree that she could take Gladys back to the farm for her bi-weekly conjugal visit with Hamburger.”
I blink. “Green, don’t you think someone should explain that cows and chickens can’t… well…”
“It wouldn’t make a difference. The truth is, that damn cow grieves Gladys when she’s not there.”
“Coach…”
“I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Hamburger won’t even eat. He just lays down by the pond and cries.”
“Cries? I don’t think—”
“It sounds just like a cry. Anyway, the officer was bent down looking at Mom’s registration when Gladys jumped out of the back seat and attacked him.”
“Attacked him? I’ve never known Gladys to be violent.”
“Not sure what happened there. Mom swears the man was yelling at her and Gladys was just trying to protect her. The officer jumped back and had his hands around Gladys’s neck and was trying to wring it—which at this point I’m thinking wouldn’t be a bad thing. Mom vaulted out of the car and grabbed the first thing she could reach to try and protect Gladys.”
“What did she grab?” My voice is a mixture of laughter and fear.
“She had a bowl in the front seat with her. A very large sterling silver bowl with a lid on it.”
“Ida Sue beat the cop with it?” I ask because I could see that, especially since she would be protecting Gladys.
“She ripped off the lid and threw the contents at him. The officer was so surprised he let go of Gladys and just kept staring at his hands. Mom yanked off the guy’s nightstick and threatened to turn him from a bull to a heifer if he put his hands back on Gladys.”
“Oh shit.”
“Pretty much.”
“What was in the bowl?”
“The leftover green dye that she uses on Hamburger’s mane, tail and coat.”
I imagine the cop standing there worried about his family jewels while his hair, face, hands, and whatever else are covered in a very thick green dye that has a gel-like consistency.
“I’m thinking her arrest warrant has more on it than just failure to wear a seatbelt.”
“You’d be right. We’re currently waiting on the family lawyer to arrive. He’s driving up and I’m trying to keep Jansen from killing Gladys and the cop.”
“That sounds like fun,” I lie.
“Freaking loads. I’m getting too old for this shit.”
I clear my throat and rub the back of my neck. “Would this be a bad time to see if I could have another week off?”
“Your trip back home going better than you thought it would?” he asks.
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“We don’t have another game for a few weeks since it’s off season. You need to be back next week, though. Practices and workouts begin then. My boss is coming to watch. I need you guys to make me look good and when I say that, Ireallymean it. God knows, I need something in my life to work out with my mom deciding to go crazy on the Dallas police department.”
“I’ll be back, Coach. I appreciate it.”
