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I’ve got to stop being afraid. That begins with wading into this war with Ryder and Tucker. I let out an annoyed breath. “This is ridiculous. If you’re not going to do it, I'm going to go check on your brothers.”
“Let’s give them time to sort things out. We can finish dinner first,” Dakota argues.
I ignore him getting up and heading outside.
“You son of a bitch. You're still going to play dumb? Go ahead, but we all know,” Tucker’s voice rings out and I pick up my steps to get to the alley to see what’s going on. “Tillie's mom told ours, and I heard them talking. I know what you did.”
Panic and shame war inside of me and then they merge and become an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment. It floods through every inch of my body and every dark corner of my mind.
“That’s great for you, but I wish like fuck you'd tell me,” Ryder growls back.
Don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Don’t. Tell. Him.
“You wrote Tillie a letter inviting her to skinny dip with you at Carver Lake. Told her that you loved her and wanted a special night with her before you went for open tryouts in the fall. You wanted to reconnect with her and show her how special she was before you left. Then, when she got there, she expected you to show her that you cared for her. Instead, she gets to see you and Emily in the lake, going at it like rabbits.”
Every feeling from that night floods me. I thought I had put it in my past. I thought I had gotten over it, yet the shame that washes over me wave after wave and now, I feel like I’m drowning. Hot tears stream down my face.
“I—” Ryder starts as Dakota jogs up behind me.
“Fuck,” Dakota hisses out, sucking in a breath while giving away that he just heard it too.
My body trembles as both Tucker and Ryder turn to see me standing there. They know my deepest secret, the one that haunts me and makes me feel stupid and weak. What’s even worse is that Tucker, Dakota, and his parents all knew.
They. All. Knew.
I have to go. I’ve got to get out of here.
My tears are coming so hard, they blur my vision. I don’t care. I turn, running down the alley as fast as my feet will take me.
Ryder
I've spent the last hour driving around town looking for Tillie. I can't wrap my head around where she might have disappeared to. I know she's really upset. Seeing the tears on her face was gut-wrenching. The two of us need to talk this out. My head is reeling from what I’ve learned. I have to fix this. I can't let this hurt linger any longer than it apparently already has.
The problem is, I can’t find Tillie and I’m running out of ideas. I went to her father’s shop. She disappeared so quickly that I figured she couldn’t be that far away. Plus, it’s her job—she needed to be there. It made the most sense, but she wasn’t there—at least not that I could see. It’s possible she was hiding somewhere I couldn’t see through the windows, but I doubt she’d stay there this long. I just don’t understand it.
From the store, I tried the town park. I don't know what would make her go to the park, but I know Tillie likes being outside. I don’t know for sure, but she seems like the kind of girl who would walk around and sort things out in her head. That was a wrong guess, too. I went to the two parks in town, and Tillie was still nowhere to be found.
When I drove to her house and there wasn’t a light on, I got desperate. I broke down and called my mom. I had to. I was out of ideas. I figure she might know. It makes sense because she spends a lot of time with Tillie. If not, I’ll have to break down and talk to my brothers and pray they will tell me.
When Mom picks up, words fly out of my mouth. I can hear the guilt in every note. There's no way she's missing it.
“Hey, Mom, I was hoping you could help me,” I tell her nervously as I keep driving.
“What's up, baby?” Mom asks. I'm way too old to be a baby, but I'm certain that when my hair is gray, and I'm in my fifties, she will still call me that. I can tell by her tone she's curious as to what could be going on. I know she's not going to like it and honestly, I’m still sorting out how I feel that none of my family didn’t approach me about any of this.
I sigh heavily. “I'm driving around looking for Tillie. She heard Tucker and me fighting about her, and she ran off. I need to find her to make sure she's okay,” I confess. She goes quiet. “Mom? Are you still there?”
“Why are you and Tucker fighting over Tillie?” she asks quietly.
"Mom—” I start, but she cuts me off.
“Don't you mom me, Ryder. I want to know why you two were fighting, and why my Tillie is upset,” she demands.
I exhale slowly, feeling like shit. The last thing I want is to bring more people into this. I know my woman. She gets embarrassed easily and fuck, if she hasn’t been dished enough of that. Apparently, I’ve been a party to it, even if I didn’t realize it. I never wrote Tillie a note. Hell, after my reaction to her, I did my best to stay away. I was supposed to be in love with Emmie and being attracted to Tillie was wrong. I knew it and I didn’t like what it said about me.
The last thing I want in the world is to have Tillie relive the shame she felt back then—and I know Tillie. She would have felt shame and mortification. Now, I’m wishing I hadn't called her.
“Mom, please. Can we talk about this later? I just really need to find her,” I admit.
