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“It was right after we got back,” he finally said in a low tone, as if he were lost back in time.
“What was?”
“Right after that trip was when we found out about my mom’s cancer and how bad it was. We were all terrified we’d lose her. And my uncle came to talk to me then, too. He acted like he was in town because he was all concerned about family. And maybe, he was; I don’t know. But I doubt it. Anyway, you and I hadn’t graduated yet, of course, and he laying out plans for the following season. He asked me if I wanted the car.”
“I remember that.” It hadn’t been a shock that Axel would join the professional league. He’d been working toward it longer than I’d known him, since he was racing go-karts. I’d been the girlfriend who’d spent every Saturday at the track watching him tear around the oval. We’d been a racing couple.Brixel. He’d been so excited by the opportunity to get into a high-tech car and to race with the big dogs.I’dbeen excited for him—for us. It was part of why it had been such a shock when he’d dropped me, leaving me in the dust. We’d been a team. We’d had a plan. He’d drive. I’d take college courses online and support him however he needed me, too. I was his rock and his anchor to reality.
The ironic thing was, he’d apparently seen me as weighing him down rather than grounding him.
“Darius told me things would have to change, and I’d have to agree to them in order to take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Like a dumbass, I thought he meant more training or altering my driving style or even how I interacted with media or fans. Of course, I agreed. I told him I’d do whatever he wanted. This chance wasn’t coming around again.”
“And?” I demanded. Anger started bubbling inside me. If Axel had strung me along for six months, so help me…
“And in November… Well, you know he came back to town. He met me at the track after I’d been doing some practice runs. He had contracts, all kinds of paperwork, and so much… There were so many details. Everything got very real. You know how sick my mom was by then. How my parents were struggling. Uncle Darius told me, as part of my signing package, he’d pay for my mom’s treatments and see she got the very best care. Anything she needed. All of it; he’d pay for all of it. I wanted to rush home and tell you—then he dropped the bombshell. I couldn’t tell anyone. Not even you.”
“What? I…”
“There’s more,” he interrupted darkly. “He doesn’t trust people, relationships. In his mind, entanglements dull a racer’s edge. He said… No, hedemandedthat I break it off with you. I couldn’t have you and race. I couldn’t have you and have him help my parents with all the medical stuff. I was in a no-win situation. It wasn’t about choosing racing over you. I didn’t have a choice.”
“You didn’t have a choice,” I repeated in a whisper. “It was me or your mom.” Tears burned in my eyes as this truth came out. Oh my God…
I couldn’t meet his eyes. I couldn’t…speak. Eighteen years old and he’d been forced to chose between his girl and his mother. And one choice might mean the death of the other person, while the other choice… Well, there had been death there, too, hadn’t there?
Renewed pain, different this time, clenched my chest and stole my breath, I pulled away from him and he let go, letting his arms drop while I paced a few feet away.
My throat, eyes and nose burned as I fought off a napalm of outrage and sorrow. Fury at the old man who’d forced this and devastation for the teenager who hadn’t known what to do. I couldn’t stop the overflow of anger from lashing out at Axel.
“I… I want to say it’s okay and all that, butit’s not. You hurt me, and you’ve taken six years to come back around and say you’re sorry. Years to tell me the truth. You should have told me. We could have figured things out! You made me feel like…like…I wasn’t enough. Like I was below you. Like you and your new career were too big for this to town and for me. You let us think we were dirt beneath your feet. You know how that feels, Axel?”
I wasn’t being fair; I knew it. I understood why he’d made the choice he did. His mom’s life had been in the balance. Given the same choice, I couldn’t claim I wouldn’t have done the same thing. But this hurt had festered inside me for years. If I didn’t get it out, it would always be there between us, needing to be excised and still causing problems. It was the same with my fear. What if I just gave in to him, forgave him, and he left me again? Hadn’t he been told to do that before and followed that order? Did he even want to be with me, or was he just needing to clear his conscience?
“I’m sorry,” he bit out. “I’m more fucking sorry than you could ever guess. I’ve missed you every damn day. You think I’ve been out there living it up—that’s what the media would have you believe—but I haven’t. I’ve driven my car. I’ve been all NASCAR all the time. The only life I’ve had was on that track. IknowI fucked up how I handled things, and I regret it every day. I can’t even drink away the fucking pain because it would screw up my performance in the car. I already trashed one part of my life. I sure as hell can’t fuck up the other.” He shook his head. “Not that it seems to matter.”
“It matters. You dropped me like I’m garbage, lying to me in the process, and now, you’re not happy with the greener grass.”
“You’re not being fair. I didn’t have a choice.”
Fair?Fair?No, I wasn’t, and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop my anger. And it poured down my face in hot streams of furious tears. Yeah, I knew I was being harsh and not at all fair, but feelings were rarely rational. As much as I wanted to rein in my emotions, they kept escaping my mouth.
“There’s always a choice. You should have told me.”
He growled, driving his hand viciously through his hair as he stalked toward me to get in my face. “You know what? I was eighteen and fucking stupid, okay? I didn’t know any better. I couldn’t see any better way. Are you going to tell me you did? That you would have done this better?”
“I would have at least told you the truth! I knew what I wanted, but it didn’t matter,” I yelled back at him.
“Yeah? And what did you want?” he demanded. I backpedaled, and my foot caught the edge of the walkway. Axel caught me before I tumbled onto the pavement, and he quickly pulled me flush to his chest. We were both panting hard while we stared daggers at each other.
“What did you want?” he repeated in a harsh whisper, roughened by the need that burned in his eyes and matched the same racing through me. I supposed fighting still worked us both up.
“I wanted you,” I confessed on a breathy gasp. “I wanted to be your partner, your support, just as I had over all the years I’d been beside you, cheering you on, helping you keep up in school, loving you.”
“Wanted?” he challenged.
“Want,” I confessed.
“Fuck, baby, I want you, too.” He leaned in to take my mouth, but I leaned back.
“But what if I let you back in, and you just leave me again?” I asked, speaking my truth, voicing the fear that lived deep in my mind, right beside the worry I really wasn’t good enough for him. “Nothing’s changed. You’re still a racer. And on your uncle’s team, too. He’ll still demand you drop me.”
