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Of me.
She shouldn’t have to. She should just know.
But she didn’t.
Nothing about this was fair. Not when it all started, not when we found out what was happening, not anything that followed.
My feet moved on their own accord. Inch by inch, step by step, I made my way over to her with the sunflowers and brush in my hand.
Her eyes widened, beaming. “My favorite.”
I nodded. “Yeah, Mom. Sunflowers are your favorite.” My chest tightened with each second that passed between us.
Little by little, it felt as if I was losing more and more air the closer I got to her. My heart was in my throat, beating a mile a minute.
Breathe, Jackson. Don’t stop breathing.
Closing my eyes, I swallowed hard before I was standing in front of her.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “I’m fine.”
“Why do you look so sad?”
I opened my eyes, staring right into hers. “Cuz I love you,” I blurted without thinking.
“Honey, I love you too.”
I shut my eyes again, fighting back the tears.
Stay strong. You need to stay strong.
Kids should never have to experience this. No one should ever have to experience something like this. They say when you go through trauma—a drastic, life-altering change—you’re suddenly forced to grow up. Become wiser beyond your years. Mature in ways that didn’t make sense except to the people who may have experienced similar events.
All of that was true, but every time I was with her, I felt like the boy, the kid, the child I was supposed to be.
Her son.
Her firstborn.
Her favorite.
I wanted my mom back. I wanted her more than anything.
I had a life three years ago. I had everything I could ever ask for. I lived in a home full of love and laughter. We were a perfect family. My parents had a perfect marriage.
All of it now a distant memory.
Thinking about the way things used to be made my heart ache. At times, it hurt so bad, I couldn’t breathe. I had to remind myself to inhale and exhale.
In and out. In and out.
I woke up every night from nightmares and had no one to comfort me. No one to hold me and tell me everything was going to be all right.
No one to tell me they loved me.
That they would always love me.
