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She doesn’t smile.
She doesn’t laugh.
She barely talked.
She hardly moved.
The reflection peering back at me as I sat in front of my vanity was just a body. There was no soul, no life, a shell of a human being.
“I love you,” I muttered so low I could scarcely hear it. “I love you,” I repeated a little louder. “I. Love. You,” I yelled out, emphasizing each word.
I reached for my heart but nothing changed, the beat still remained neutral, a complete lack of any emotion.
Life.
I stood up so fast, I knocked my chair over, raising my fist and slamming it into the mirror as hard as I could. It shattered all around my hand. Shards of glass cut through my numb skin.
Still nothing.
“I hate you!” I punched it again, the glass breaking wider. “I fucking hate you!” I yelled, smashing my fist into the mirror over and over again. Screaming at the top of my lungs, “I fucking hate you! I hate you! Do you hear me! I hate you!”
Dylan rushed into my bedroom out of nowhere, grabbing me tightly around my wrist.
Too tight.
Too hard.
Too much.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he roared too close to my face.
I shut my eyes, holding in my breath with his smell all around me.
“What are—”
“No! No! No!” I shrieked, roughly pulling away my arm, shaking my head back and forth.
He wrapped his arms around me, engulfing me in nothing but his scent and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I was suffocating, drowning deeper in my despair, in the memories that haunted me when I was awake and when I tried to sleep. He closed me in tighter, and pressed me firmly against him, I could feel him everywhere and all at once.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I screamed bloody murder, pushing him as hard as I could and his back hit the wall. I didn’t falter.
“FUCK YOU! I hate you! I hate you!” I repeated, hitting all over his face. He tried to block each and every advance, so I pushed him and hit him harder.
“Aubrey, calm the fuck down,” he reasoned only pissing me off more.
That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you so fucking much!” I sobbed, hitting and shoving him the closer he tried to come toward me. “I fucking hate you! I hate you!”
My eyes blurred with nothing but tears, and my body twisted with the longing to break apart.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I yelled, talking to myself. I repeated it over and over to let it sink into my pores, drain into blood and make it become a part of me. Making me truly believe it, truly know that this was the end. There was no hope for me.
For us.
I shuddered to the ground, taking him with me as I sat on my knees with my body hunched over.
“I can’t breathe, Dylan. I can’t fucking breathe,” I bawled uncontrollably. “I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I’m dying everyday. It won’t go away! It will never go away! And I can’t breathe!”
