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I felt an intense betrayal, and if I thought about it rationally, I wasn’t even sure why. It wasn’t like our relationship meant something, and Ezra hadn’t directly lied to me, even though he hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with the truth. And I doubted his sleeping with me had anything to do with my father, even though my self-deprecating side told me that a man like Ezra would never sleep with a woman like me otherwise. But I could tell he was into it as much as I was.
Maybe, in the beginning, he only wanted to prove a point. But by the end, when his dick was spearing into my pussy as he growled my name manically, I could tell he was lost. He was very into it, and just the thought of him wanting me so much had me at the peak much faster. Even now, I remembered how his eyes looked toward the end, the way they’d blazed. Oh yeah, I might not have as much experience with fantastic sex as he did, but I’d rocked his world the same way he’d rocked mine.
I let out a breath, and most of my anger disappeared with it. Now I could be honest enough to admit that part of the reason I was so mad was that I felt foolish. And ridiculous. And still somehow horny.
Despite everything, I still wanted more from him. I hadn’t had any sex like that before, and I wanted more.
But it won’t happen again, I told myself. This incident taught me something, and it served as a warning I wouldn’t forget. Even if he hadn’t been my dad’s friend, I couldn’t allow whatever this was to continue. My reaction showed me that I was starting to care about him more than I would like, and that wouldn’t do. I wasn’t going to let another man close enough to hurt me anymore, and that was that.
Even if he was a man who looked at me with fathomless gray eyes and showed me incredible pleasure.
Still, we should stay away from each other.
I resolved all this during the night but was finding it difficult to accept it in the light of the morning. Despite what he said, Ezra didn’t come over the next morning, and I made breakfast with a confusing cauldron of anger over him not being here and irritation at myself for wishing he was. At work, Erwin must have noted my mood because he came to ask, “Is there a reason why you look like someone ran over your dog?”
I zoned back in and gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Erwin. My mind was somewhere far away.”
“I could tell, but try smiling a little. You’re making some of my regulars uncomfortable.”
I obliged him with a giant fake smile and rolled my eyes while he smirked. “That’s better. Now, tell me, how’s the college applications going?”
I once again regretted telling him about the fact that I was looking into colleges to apply to. I still wasn’t sure what career I wanted to pursue, but I figured a business degree wasn’t bad. I could help Erwin run the restaurant or open one of my own or something. I liked cooking, so that would be a viable career option, and a business degree would give me a leg up.
And one day, a short while back, during a particularly good mood, I’d been eating lunch with Erwin, and I told him that I was looking into business schools. He looked so happy and proud, letting me know he would help me with a letter of reference if needed. But now I had to be honest with him.
“I haven’t filled out the application yet.”
He frowned. “What? Why?”
I sighed, wondering how to explain something I didn’t understand myself. “I dunno. I guess I just haven’t had time.”
Which was true.
“Ah.” Erwin nodded as though he understood. “So you need me to give you a day off?”
I shook my head, and it seemed to confuse him even more. I understood why he was confused because the truth was that I wasn’t even sure why I hadn’t applied. It wasn’t about the time. I could always have taken time off from what Ezra and I were doing. And there was plenty of downtime working with Ezra because so far, we were only setting up, which apparently involved visiting a bunch of office spaces and talking. So at any point, I could have completed the application.
But I hadn’t.
I was scared, I guess.
Or maybe intimidated was the best word.
There was so much that went into it. And there was the emotional aspect as well, a wall I had to get over. Starting the application and putting in the effort would be actively working on my faith. It would mean I was hoping for something, hoping for it to work out. And hoping meant that if it didn’t work out…I was putting myself at risk of being disappointed.
And I’d already been disappointed too many times.
I didn’t explain this to Erwin, though, choosing instead to go back to wiping my table.
“I’ll work on it,” I said without looking at him.
“When?” Erwin probed.
“Soon.”
“What does soon mean? Because you should know that state apps are gonna be closing soon, and you need—”
“I said I’d do it, Erwin,” I said tersely, and I heard enough in his insulted silence to know that I offended him.
