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“Don’t say that about yourself. I wouldn’t blame you if you did sleep with other people. We hadn’t discussed exclusivity.”
I would have been jealous as hell, but I would have understood.
My words didn’t improve her mood. “So…what? You were going around fucking other women?”
“No,” I admitted truthfully, pleased to see she was just as jealous as I was. “I didn’t even think about another woman when I was with you.”
She watched me for a while before nodding. “I’m not the kind of woman who just goes around fucking random guys. I know what they say about me, but it’s not me.”
“I know that.” I wrapped my arms around her, picked her up from the bed, and placed her on my lap. She began squirming.
“It’s alright, settle down.”
“I don’t want to,” she grouched, but when she saw the struggle wasn’t getting her anywhere, she slumped in resignation.
I held her close, making her comfortable as possessive energy bloomed within me. I wanted to take care of her.
“Oh God, I massively screwed up,” she bemoaned.
“You didn’t screw up. I did. I should have stopped before I came.”
“No, but I told you I would take care of it,” she said exasperatedly. “I was so sure I wouldn’t get pregnant…Oh, Ezra, what the heck am I gonna do?”
“I can’t answer that for you,” I said honestly, “but just know that whatever you choose to do, I’ll support you a hundred percent of the way.”
She looked at me as though horrified. “I can’t have a child, Ezra. I barely have my life in order, and I can’t bring a child into this mess. Besides, I’m only twenty-six.”
The reminder of her age made me feel like a piece of dog shit because I’d done this to her. I’d gotten her pregnant before she wanted to. I didn’t want her to think she was to blame for this. It was my fault. I was the older one here, so I should have known to wrap up. It was just that the first time took me by so much surprise, and by the time I got myself back, it was already too late, and I was exploding inside her.
“I’m not saying you have to keep it,” I said. “I’m saying that if you choose to, know that you and the baby will not want for anything. I will always be there to provide you with anything you would need. And I will want to be in the baby’s life.”
She blinked at me. “Is this you asking me to marry you?”
I froze. No, I hadn’t quite thought of it that far. More so, I actually meant that I would want to have some kind of custody or at least visitation rights. Marrying her wasn’t in the cards. I was never supposed to marry anyone.
She gave me a wry smile that had a strand of bitterness. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Take me home.”
The trip home was even more silent, and even Roscoe meeting us at the door with his little doggie smile wasn’t enough to lift anyone’s mood. Tillie petted him dispassionately for a few minutes and then went upstairs to lie down. I followed her and helped her get situated, then told her I was taking Roscoe out on a brief jog.
“I’ll keep my phone on me in case you need me,” I informed her as she nodded.
I thought the walk would help clear my head, but it was still as cloudy as ever. I couldn’t believe it. That she was pregnant. This was never a part of the plan. I’d never so much as dreamed of having a family. I didn’t think it was something I wanted or deserved.
But now, hearing about the child, I didn’t hate the idea. I couldn’t deny I had already imagined the child, as much as I didn’t want to.
But it was too premature to even think of it as a child.
She’s probably not going to keep it,I told myself, but even I couldn’t convince myself that I didn’t care about it, couldn’t convince myself that the heaviness in my chest when I thought about her not having the child wasn’t sorrow.
When I got home with a tired Roscoe, I went up to check on Tillie. She was lying on her back now, staring at the ceiling, and she only got distracted when I knocked.
She glanced at me.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
She nodded and patted the bed beside her. I went over and sat, but she shook her head.
“Lay down,” she instructed. “Hold me. Please.”
