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“Well, because if I don’t explain it to you now, I know you’ll never listen to him,” I retorted. “The more I let this fester, the more your hatred of him will grow. And your hatred of me too. This will likely be the last time you want to see me if I tell you what I want to tell you without explaining everything first. Because I’m pretty sure you’ll disown me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. We could never disown you.”
That’s only because you don’t know I’m pregnant yet.But I swallowed those words down and carefully thought of what I was really going to say. Finally, I said, “Zane isn’t the devil we think he is, and Kelly wasn’t a saint either. No, I’m not saying I don’t love her.” I interrupted the outrage I could see growing in my mother’s eyes. “Nor am I saying she shouldn’t have lived. But their marriage wasn’t what we thought it to be.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Kelly was cheating on Zane.”
My mother gaped at me, outraged. “What kind of ridiculous lie is that?”
“It’s not a lie,” I insisted. “Kelly was cheating on him with someone else, some psycho who is now stalking him. And that was likely who she was scared of. She used to text this person all the time, and all the toxic stuff I told you I saw on her phone wasn’t from Zane. It was from this asshole.”
“He lied to you,” Mom bit out, anger sparking in her eyes. “He lied to you and filled your head with all this nonsense.”
“No, he didn’t, but I know my words won’t convince you, so there’s a very easy way to know for sure. Kelly’s diary,” I told my mom.
My mom paled like I’d said something sacrilegious.
“You can’t mean that I should—”
“Yes.” I nodded. “Let's open it up and read it once and for all.” Kelly left a suicide note tucked into her journal. We hadn’t opened it yet. After we lost her, none of us could bear to read it and accept the truth. Besides, we thought we knew what had happened. “Kelly wrote about the man in the journal. I’m sure of it. She wrote everything in the journal. Also, I remember one of her texts where she spoke about the person’s navel being an outie. She thought it was cute. Zane doesn’t have that.” It was one thing that suddenly occurred to me, another piece falling into place. “It wasn’t him this whole time.”
My mother wasn’t quite ready to accept this. Instead, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “How would you know that? You’ve slept with him, haven’t you? That’s where you spent the night… with him like a hussy.”
“That’s not the point, Mom,” I said patiently, even though her words stung. “Listen to what I’m saying. Zane isn’t the person we think he is. He never abused her, never forced her not to see us. If anything, it was she who kept him away from us by telling him that we didn’t like him. I think she wanted to keep us apart as much as possible so it would be easier for her to stay with her lover.” I paused and thought about it. “I’m guessing she would lie to Zane that she was with us and then lie to us that she was with Zane. Because we never spoke to Zane, it was an easy trick to pull off.”
My mother shook her head, pain spreading across her face as though my words physically attacked her. I hated this, hated hurting her, but I couldn’t let it be. I saw her blink her eyes rapidly and look up at the ceiling as her tears welled up. She swallowed multiple times as if trying to force the tears back.
“Why?” she asked, her voice trembling. “Why didn’t she just leave him? For the love of God, if she loved someone else, then why didn’t she leave him?”
“I don’t think she wanted to,” I said, even though I couldn’t really understand my sister’s motive. “I think, in a way, she loved Zane too.” I took the initiative and got up, moving over to sit next to my mom. Then, I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Why would you tell me this?” she cried, her hands shaking as they balled up into a fist on my chest. Nevertheless, she turned to me, leaning in rather than away from my embrace. “Why?”
“I’m sorry.” I was about to start crying too. I could feel the tears sitting behind my eyelids. “Maybe it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to hate me when I tell you what I have to say next.”
“I can never hate you,” she said, but her reassurance didn’t comfort me. If anything, the pain in my chest only magnified.
“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
I said the words quickly and shakily, fear nearly seizing my voice before the words were all the way out. My mother went very still and leaned back to stare at me, tears still running down her cheeks. “It’s Zane’s baby. And we’re together now. I know how messed up this all is, believe me, but I love him. I love him, Mom. I know it’s stupid, and you are probably disappointed in me, but I can’t help how I feel.”
“How…” She didn’t finish the sentence, shaking her head in confusion. And then I waited for it, for the reprimand, the shame, the complete rejection. I waited for her to get up and walk away and tell me never to come near her again. I’d always known Kelly was my parents’ favorite. She was the child they planned for, the one they showered with love and affection.
I was simply Kelly’s little sister, the unexpected accident baby.
And I knew if it came down to my sister or me, even when dead, they would pick her over me.
But instead, my mother did something surprising. Rather than walk away, she pulled me to her in a shaky hug.
“Oh, honey,” she said, and that was it. The warmth and emotion behind the words had the tears escaping my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.
“I’m so sorry I called you a hussy, honey.”
“Mommy—” My voice cracked and broke, and I didn’t say anything else. There was nothing else to say.
“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” She pulled back, and her tears were still flowing. “I don’t understand your relationship, but now there’s a child involved and….” She wiped her eyes. “I guess I’ll try to understand.”
