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“Stab her best friend in the back? Have an affair?” I offer, a bitter smile parting my lips. “Admittedly, those weren’t in my thirty before thirty list of things to do.”
“So, what happened?”
“Would you believe me if I told you I’m not sure?”
“What do you mean?”
“I dated the same guy throughout high school, college, and grad school. He asked me out junior year when dating was all about meet-cutes, school dances, big feelings, and forever. No online dating. No apps for hookups. Fast forward to over a decade later and the romance world had gone to Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Asparagus, or whatever dating app is the flavor of the month. I went from talking about marriage and kids to trying to avoid receiving unsolicited pictures of strangers’ genitalia.”
Archie chuckles. “I’m pretty sure there’s no dating app calledAsparagus.”
“This isn’t funny. I spent months running into guys that… Well, guys like you.”
“You mean handsome and dashing?”
“In part,” I admit. “It’s not that hard to find a pretty face. But they were all interested in a hookup and nothing else. Like two weeks was the standard max expiration date for a relationship. I woke up in a world where talking about commitment before forty was sacrilege.” I stare at the dark sky and twinkling stars, listening to the crickets in the grass. The warmth of Archie’s hands on my feet keeps me from shivering as the night turns chillier. “I made a point not to be swallowed up into that high-churn madness.”
“How?”
I smile bitterly. “Easy, I didn’t put out on the first night, or the second, or the third. But then of course, none of the guys stuck around long enough. And the only one who did…” I shake my head at the memory that still stings. “Never bothered to call me back after he got what he wanted. It was enough to convince me I’d never meet anyone, that I’d die alone with the proverbial ten cats.”
“And how did that translate into sleeping with your best friend’s boyfriend?” Archie asks, with no judgment in his blue eyes, just genuine interest.
“We ran into each other, had lunch, and it was… unexpected, easy, fun, safe. New but familiar at the same time. Like what I’d imagine it’d feel to discover you suddenly have feelings for an old friend. And I mistook being comfortable for being in love. That’s when the envy started and when a darkness I didn’t know I had in me bubbled to the surface. Why couldn’t Robert have loved me the way Johnathan loved Lana? Why did my ex have to break my heart? Why couldn’t I be more like my sister, happy on my own without the need to be with a man to function?”
Archie doesn’t talk; he lets me get the things I haven’t told anyone, even my therapist, off my chest.
“I was spiraling down that vortex when Johnathan started texting me in private, outside of our group chat. That’s when the real ugliness started, and I came up with a million excuses to justify replying to him. We weren’t doing anything wrong. It was just texting. Perfectly innocent, right? But then he started telling me how he and Lana hadn’t been in a good place for a long time, that he wasn’t sure he loved her anymore. Selfishly, I told him that if that was how he felt, he should break up with her. But he had a million reasons not to. It’s complicated; we’ve been together a long time… One afternoon we were meeting up for coffee, and he tried to kiss me. I shoved him back, telling him I could never do that to Lana, that he should stop texting me, that I never wanted to see him again.”
“Guess that didn’t stick?” Archie asks, still no judgment in his voice.
“He was at my door two nights later, swearing he was in love with me. That’s what did it. My need to feel loved by someone, anyone, to know that I was desirable and wanted. And in that moment, nothing else mattered. After, I felt like shit, but ironically, that was also what made me continue the affair.”
“Why?”
“Because if I could do something so horrible to my best friend it had to have meant something. It must’ve been true love. And so I started giving myself new justifications. Johnathan and Lana were wrong for each other, nothing should get in the way of true love, she’d be better off with someone else…”
“Which she ended up being.”
“Yes, but I wasn’t doing Lana any favors. I may have been caught up in the idea of love, but I was still aware that my actions were wrong. I was being selfish, full stop. I was doing whatever I wanted to do at that moment, so desperate I was to feel a connection, and damn the consequences.”
“Doesn’t sound like the worst way to live.”
“Ah, but then you really have to not care about the consequences, ’cause karma is a pesky bitch and it catches up.”
“Has it?”
The same pain and shame that wrecked me when Johnathan called to announce Lana had found out about us hit me in the gut as if it happened only yesterday. Winter disowning me as a sister. The fallout with all my friends.
In the end, Johnathan didn’t even choose me. We were found out, and he came to me because it was the easier road. The only road he had left at that point probably. And then he further belittled whatever shameful ugliness we shared by selling our story to the press to make a few quick bucks and to get back at Lana for moving on so quickly. Oh gosh, the moment I realized he never even loved me, that I’d thrown my life to hell for nothing comes crashing back down on me now. The memories all swirl in my head, making me dizzy. Anxiety builds up in my chest and my hands go clammy.
“You’re depressing me,” I say, trying to claim my foot back. “I should go.”
I try to pull my leg, but Archie keeps my ankle hostage in his hands. “Nuh-uh, sorry, my bad. No more sad topics.” He circles his thumbs under the sole of my foot in a motion so sublime it threatens to make my eyes roll into the back of my head. I can’t help but sink back into the chaise lounge and relax.
“What did you think of the beard?” Archie asks casually as if we hadn’t spent the last half an hour discussing the darkest stains on my past. “Was it that horrible to kiss?”
I can’t help it; my lips curl up in a smile. This guy is something else. “I thought it’d be worse, but I’m not convinced I like it yet.”
