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There’s a long moment of silence following Dr. Moncrieff’s words. It still seems preposterous that he, a grown man, should be scared into this level of self-consciousness by phantoms within his movement. But it makes sense, too, because I’ve seen that mob. I’ve followed its destructive trail in the news. I’ve witnessed them bring down high-profile targets in a shrieking, outraged frenzy and feast upon their lifeblood in revenge, threatening violence in exchange for repentance.
“We have no one like you on our side,” I whisper. “Literally no one. It’s just been us. Soyes, we know what it’s like to be cast from the group and abused. It’s rich of you to say we don’t when no one’s allowed to talk to us and we’re walking around with scars on our arms from Baxter. We’ve been attacked and lied about. We’ve been unjustly punished formonthsbecause of our belief, our heresy, that maybe a guycan’tjust rock up to the throne and say he’s the king. But we haven’t lost. The only point we’re defeated is when we give up, and wearen’t giving up.”
Dr. Moncrieff strokes his chin, trying to make sense of my words. “You’d rather be hurt in a fight you’re losing than pretend to be neutral.”
“You’d rather live on your knees than tempt the mob-god,” Rory sneers.
“Why?” I ask, trying to get into the practical reasons. “Do you think a teacher would be attacked here?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“I trained as a teacher in the type of schools a world removed from Lochkelvin. I’ve seen teachers battered and bruised by feral children, and watched them quit their jobs one by one.”
“You know that doesn’t happen in Lochkelvin. Students suck up to those with authority, even when they can’t stand you.”
With a hint of a smile, Dr. Moncrieff murmurs, “Is that why there’s a picture of me wearing a crown on the board?”
“No,” I say, and I can’t help the coolness of my voice. “We just… we just wanted someone in our corner. Because we’re fed up being the underdogs.Stupidof us to think it’d be you.”
Dr. Moncrieff’s shoulders sag as he gazes out the window. Sleet is starting to fall like paper-white ghosts. “I have too much to lose by being open in my beliefs. I’m sorry.”
Rory and I shuck on our bookbags, not even waiting for our cue to leave. Dr. Moncrieff is still staring out the window, a flash of anger coloring his expression — at us, I wonder, or perhaps himself, or more likely the position his narcissist brother has forced him into.
“You still have free rein of my class,” he notes solemnly. “It’s the best I can do to make the remainder of your time here easier. For what it’s worth, though,” Dr. Moncrieff adds with the flicker of a smile as his gaze returns to the board, “it was a very sweet gesture.”
* * *
“Sweet gesture,” Rory spits that night to Danny in politics class, as he recalls our conversation with Dr. Moncrieff. “We practically licked his arse over one measly comment, and that’s all he had to say.”
“Don’t really want to think about measles and arses, thanks,” Danny murmurs, and glances at the board with a shrug. “Maybe my drawing wasn’t very good. I think I made his nose too big.”
“Your drawing’s fine.” I’m overwhelmed by the tiredness of rejection. “More than fine. It’s him who’s a fucking coward.” I’m rocking back on the legs of my chair, feeling antsy. I have the urge to chew off my fingertips with anxiety. I’ve seen far too much of the inside of Dr. Moncrieff’s politics class and very little in recent weeks of the outdoors. The only time we’re allowed out is still during P.E., but right now I’m so restless, I want to run for miles through the fallen snow and scream.
“And he made it very clear,” Rory adds tightly, “that heismotivated by cowardice, because adults are afraid to say ‘no’. So what did he do? Said no to us. And now everything rests, unaided, on us. On students.”
“I suppose he thinks we have nothing to lose,” Danny murmurs. “Unlike him.”
Rory slams his palm on the desk. “No, fuck that. I have alifeoutside all this. I have things to lose, too. I just value the truth more than anything else, as any decent person should.” He shakes his head. “Fuck, I’m so angry I can’t even concentrate on these,” Rory mutters, shoving his stack of newspapers to the side of the desk. “I’ve heardnothingfrom Fin. I’ve heardnothingfrom Luke. Wake up, study, get beaten, and look at the news, over and over. I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
“She really has it in for you.”
“She still thinks I know where Luke is,” Rory mutters, and gives a bitter laugh. “Maybe if Moncrieff’s room really is bugged, she’ll get the hint.” In a loud, expansive voice, he declares to the ceiling, “I — don’t — know — where — Luke — is! I wish I fucking did.” After a pause, he adds, “And it’s not just that, it’s us. It’sjustus. And I love you, but the energy’s… without Fin…” Rory rubs his hands down his face and whispers, “I just really fucking miss him. It’s almost as bad as Hogmanay, wheneveryonewas gone and I was even separated from you, D-boy. I thought I’d have heard from Fin by now, somehow.”
Rory’s looser-lipped tonight with his feelings, but I too feel like I’ve been run through the mill by our dismissal from Moncrieff and have thrown away my last solitary fuck.
“You brought the radio,” I point out, glancing at Benji’s radio beneath Rory’s desk. “They’ll have news — the latest stuff. And it’s Antiro, so it’s not like they’ll use difficult words requiring lots of focus.”
“At this point, I may smash it to bits,” Rory forewarns, but he hauls it onto the desk nevertheless. “I swear, if I hear some sneering cunt with their shit opinions—” He breaks off with a large, miserable sigh, and whispers, “I miss Fin so much. He’d argue with me for the sake of it and it’d take my mind off everything. We’d get into fights, and it’d be raw and angry and perfect, and Ilovedit.”
I meet Danny’s eyes over Rory’s dismally bowed head, our eyebrows raised.
“I… can fling a chair at you?” Danny suggests. “Call you a rich Tory prick?”
Rory lets out a small, sad laugh. “Yeah, sure. Cheers, D-boy. That almost felt like normal times.” He switches on the radio, and instantly it propels us into a world of male chattering and snide laughter.
Two things happen then.
