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Rayne puts her head down in shame. “Sorry. I needed to tell someone.”
I shrug my shoulders as I rub my temporarily flat stomach. “It’s alright. Everyone will know soon enough.”
Izzy squeezes me before she pulls away and the three of us sit down on the couch. No one else seems to be around.
Rayne grabs my hand. “Are you okay? How did he take it?”
“He took it shockingly well.” I shake my head. “I actually think he’s excited. He immediately proposed.”
Rayne’s mouth drops open. “He proposed? What did you say?”
“I told him that I’m not interested in making any more life-changing decisions today. We’re keeping the baby. That’s enough decision making for one day.”
Rayne smiles at that.
Izzy shrugs. “I mean, you could do a lot worse. He’s gorgeous. He’s the smartest guy in our class. I’m sure he’ll be successful. He seems really nice. He’s always nice to us.” She looks at Rayne who nods in confirmation.
I sigh. “I know all that. He’s a great guy. It doesn’t mean I’m ready to get married at nineteen though. I just wanted to experience more things in my life before I settle down and get married.”
Rayne asks, “Like what?”
“College is the first time I’ve ever left my small hometown. I want more than the homemaker life my mother had. I want to get my degree, learn a few languages, live on my own, maybe travel abroad, have a career, date different types of men, have some different kinds of experiences.”
Izzy smiles. “Like what kind of experiences? Like threesomes?”
I laugh. It’s the first time I’ve laughed all day. “Maybe.” She smiles at me.
I shake my head. “I’ve only been with two other men. After being with Jackson, I know the others hardly count. It’s hard for me to articulate. I just thought I’d do a lot more before getting married and having kids. I don’t want to be my mother. I want to live more.”
Rayne bites her lip. “He’s really that good in bed?”
I laugh again. “Yes. He’s amazing in bed.”
Izzy shakes her head. “Let me get this straight. He’s hot. He’s smart. He’s nice. He’s good in bed. And he wants to marry you. I’m sorry, I don’t understand the problem.”
Tears well in my eyes. “I’m not in love with him.” Tears start to stream down my cheeks. “Maybe one day I would have been and maybe not. Now I feel like I’ll never know. I know it’s the same for him. He’s not in love with me. When I eventually get married, I want it to be with a man I’m crazy in love with who’s equally crazy in love with me. I want someone who I feel I can’t live without, who feels the same for me.”
They both nod in understanding.
* * *
The next few weeks are a blur. Jackson wants us to get married immediately. He asked if I could work to support us while he finishes his degree, and, in return, he promised to take care of me for the rest of my life.
I’m having trouble with the phrasethe rest of my life. I’ll now be attached to him for the rest of my life.
What he’s asking isn’t unreasonable. It actually makes sense. Every single thing Jackson does makes sense.
The girls were right. Jackson’s the smartest person in our class. He’s really good with numbers. Financial institutions and real estate companies will undoubtedly be knocking on his door at graduation.
If we can get through the first two years, I know we’ll be fine. Two years feels like a lifetime though.
We told my family last night. Despite my warnings, Jackson insisted on coming. As I expected, my father and brothers each threw a few punches. Jackson didn’t fight back. He just stood there and literally took it on the chin.
Then, my entire family screamed at him about marrying me. He didn’t tell them that it’s me who’s hesitant about getting married. He just stood there and metaphorically took it on the chin.
After confirming the health of the pregnancy with a doctor, one cold winter day, surrounded by a small group of friends and my disappointed family, I married Jackson Knight at the local courthouse. Not for love, but out of obligation. Obligation to my family and to my unborn child.
Standing at the altar, looking at Jackson, I know I’m lucky to be marrying such a considerate man. It could have been worse.Wayworse. But I mourn knowing that I’m not looking at a man that I love. I’m not looking at a man that I’m completely crazy about. I’m not looking at a man that I can’t imagine living another day without. And equally as bad, I’m not looking at a man who feels any of those things for me.
