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“You believe that?” Brendan grunts.
“It’s a fifty-fifty. Either way, you didn’t pull any trigger.”
“I became your partner to help you-know-who. Not to help you wage a war. How much more of this will it take?”
When I came to Ellman Media that day, did he think that his actions would lead to the assassination of a Saudi Arabian arms dealer? Did he think his decisions would eventually connect him to the slaughter of a dozen mercenaries in Kentucky and nearly thirty more in Brooklyn? It’s one thing to see it on the TV or report on it for the news. To have a hand in the outcome… that’s different. Just because the men I’ve killed don’t deserve much in the way of sympathy, that doesn’t mean someone wants blood on their own hands.
I would know. If it wasn’t for those squeamish about doing the dirty work, I’d have needed to find another way to make a living.
“We need you for the next step, but you can bow out after. I’d understand completely.”
“Good,” says Brendan.
“To keep her safe, you know we have to deal with him.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“He’ll have to choose between keeping her or his power. It’s a good plan. It’ll work. We’ll have her back soon, I promise.”
Brendan sighs.
“You mean, you’ll have her back. She didn’t choose me.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Yeah yeah. Let me be a little jealous, okay? She’s an amazing woman. You’re lucky she likes things that are bad for her.”
I chuckle. No argument there.
In truth, I don’t have a lot of experience being in his position. The ones I’ve wanted have been mine until I no longer wanted them.
Like Madeleine.
And the others.
Kate brought out a part of me that I wouldn’t have thought existed. If I were in Brendan’s position, I wouldn’t even know what to do. Being able to laugh about it — to accept the decision Kate made without bitterness — that’s a strength of its own. He may not see it that way, but it’s true.
And if Kate decides she can’t be with me, either because I remind her of how she’s suffered or because she can’t forgive me for the things I’ve done… If she fell into the arms of a man like Brendan, who never faltered in his unconditional support and did everything in his power to help her… I would try to show the same strength and accept it.
She deserves to be happy. That’s what matters most. I can’t ever lose sight of that.
“She cares about you,” I say. “Maybe not in the way you’d hoped, but she does. I’m sure it kills her not to be able to tell you that. Trust me, she doesn’t think you’ve given up on her. She knows you wouldn’t.”
“I appreciate that,” he replies.
“Be in touch soon,” I say as I hang up.
Ever since I learned Anton is Simon Wilson, I’ve thought about how my actions created the monster we face today. Kate’s told me I’m not to blame — Simon’s father is. There’s some truth to that: Joseph Wilson couldn’t control himself. My stupidity that night in the factory came when I was drunk. Both of us are responsible for creating Anton — and Anton has done everything in his power to tear Kate apart.
I won’t let Kate suffer because of me. If removing myself from her life will help her heal, that’s what I’ll do.
But I won’t be happy about it — and I will make Anton feel my pain. I’ll make him regret the day he chose to hurt her instead of me.
