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“Jack called me while we were on our way back,” I admit, “He asked me to get a drink with him tomorrow, and I agreed. Landon didn’t like it.”
Laurie doesn’t reply. Her dislike for Jack is intense, and she never pretended to support my friendship with him after he dumped me.
“I’m trying to understand,” she says slowly, “but I can’t. Why on earth would you do that?”
I close my eyes. I’ve been torturing myself with the same question. “I don’t know... Maybe I wanted a reaction. Maybe I wanted him to see that my life isn’t all about hanging on to him, that I could walk away too, if I wanted.”
“With Jack?” Laurie makes a frustrated sound. “Clearly, you didn’t get the reaction you wanted.”
If you’d rather be with your ex, you don’t have to conjure vague reasons why we shouldn’t be together, just let me know and I won’t stop you.
My eyes are aching with unshed tears, and right now, I just want to close them and try to forget everything. “Does it matter?” I sigh. “It’s over anyway.”
Laurie gets up from the bed and stands at the side, looking down at me with her hands on her hips. The light from the open door illumines her face, and I can see the frown of disappointment on her brow.
“I don’t understand you, Rach.” She walks to the door, then comes back to the side of the bed. “If you want Landon to commit to a real relationship, why not just tell him?” She throws up her hands. “I don’t know. Maybe deep inside, Jack is who you really want to be with.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Laurie.”
“Am I being ridiculous?” She snorts. “You let Jack keep you on a string for two years. Two years of your fucking life. Now you’re letting him come between you and Landon, who, from what I’ve seen, cares more about you than Jack ever did.”
I don’t have the energy to argue. “Laurie, this is not about Jack.”
“From where I’m standing…” She makes a gesture of exasperation. “I don’t know what kind of hold he has on you!” she exclaims. “Maybe you should call him now and tell him that you’re available again, that you’re still in love with him, and that you’re ready to take whatever crumbs he throws your way. It’s better than pretending that you’re ready to move on with someone else.” She shakes her head. “I’m going to bed. Enjoy your date tomorrow.”
I watch her stalk out of my room. She’s so wrong about Jack, because he’s the least important thing to me right now. I close my eyes, and immediately, I see Landon’s face in my mind, and his voice, saying those words that make me want to weep.
Goodbye, Rachel.
I find a pillow to bury my face, and curl up into a ball. You made the right decision, I tell myself. One day, you’ll get over him.
There’s no consolation in that, and I’m still crying when I finally fall asleep.
MY sleep is laced with dreams of Landon, and more than once, I wake up in tears, only to continue tormenting myself with the memories. I can’t silence the voice in my head telling me that I’ve made a terrible mistake. I finally wake up tired, miserable and almost late for work.
I shower hurriedly¸ tempted to remain beneath the flow of water and give it a chance to wash all my pain and memories away, but even if that would work, there’s no time. I dress quickly in a white cotton blouse and a beige patterned skirt, then brush my hair, despairing when my mind goes again to Landon, telling me how much he loved the color.“Sometimes it’s red,”he’d said.“Sometimes gold, and sometimes it’s both.”I breathe shakily, unable to suppress the memory of his fingers in my hair.
Frustrated, I drop the hairbrush and clip the strands away from my face. I forego any attempt at makeup, even though my eyelids show evidence of all the crying I did last night. I wince at my reflection but decide that there’s nothing I can do.
Laurie has already left for work, which is fine with me, because I’m not eager to talk to her after her reaction last night. I hurry out of the empty apartment, hoping, as I go downstairs, that I’ll find a cab before too long.
Outside, there’s the sparse morning crowd from my street. A few people on the tree-shaded sidewalk hurrying to work, others pushing little kids in strollers, and a few cars parked on the street. I clear the steps from the building entrance, and then the small paved area between the sidewalk and the building before I notice the familiar black sedan parked on the curb.
My steps falter. Something builds in my stomach, a mixture of dread and anticipation that seizes my body and makes me unable to keep moving. I watch, barely breathing, as the rear door opens and Landon steps out of the car.
A soft breath escapes from my lips, and my eyes close, almost reflexively, a protective measure to prevent me from going to pieces just from looking at him. Yearning courses through my body like a tidal wave, drowning my heart and weakening my knees. I’m suddenly shaking, my whole body drawn to him like a moth to a flame.
What is he doing here?
I take a deep breath, and when I open my eyes again, he’s still there. His eyes are burning with that familiar cobalt intensity, provoking an answering flame deep in my belly. I blink back a sudden wave of tears. The last thing I need is to be so close to his devastating beauty. Already, my eyes are greedily devouring him. The burnished gold of his hair is gleaming in the early morning sun, the waves framing and emphasizing the raw perfection of his face, and he’s dressed to conquer the world in an exquisite deep blue suit, one that does nothing to hide the powerful body beneath.
In the few seconds I spend looking at him, I get the feeling that if I walk into his arms, last night wouldn’t matter anymore, only how much I want him, and how much he wants me. For a moment, I’m tempted to do just that. To forget all my doubts and just be with him.
But for how long?
It takes an effort to tear my eyes away from his perfection, to break the spell he has me under. He takes a step towards me. “Hello.” His voice is low, and washes over me like a familiar, much-desired caress.
Suddenly the back of my throat feels raw. I swallow hard. I’m not going to start crying again. I chose to walk away, I remind myself. It was my choice.
