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It’s clear what I should do, but when I remember how numb I’d been without him, I don’t know if I have the strength.
I hear my phone ringing, and I almost decide not to take the call, but I change my mind when I see that it’s Laurie.
“Helloooo.” She draws out the word, sounding cheerful. In the back of my mind, I wonder if Chadwick has anything to do with that. “How’s Frisco?”
“Great.” I try to sound upbeat. “How are you?
“I’m lovely. Going on a date tonight, actually.”
“With Chadwick?”
“Yes.” She sighs. “He’s making me dinner at his place.
I roll my eyes. “Laurie, that’s just code for ‘come over so we can fuck after you try to eat my awful excuse for a salad.’ You know that, right?”
“You are mean,” she chuckles, “at least I held him off last night. Tonight, Maybe I don’t care. Maybe I’m not going over there for the salad anyway.”
I think of Brett, wondering if she’ll regret what she’s about to do, but it’s not like I’m an expert. If I were, I wouldn’t be here, my heart torn to pieces over Landon. “It depends on what you want. Just… don’t get hurt.”
She is silent. “I’m already hurt. Rach.”
That makes me want to cry, for her, for myself. “I know,” I reply.
“Oh well,” she says with a long sigh. “How are you, really?”
“Not so good.” Saying it out loud seems to remove the dam I’ve put on my feelings. “Laurie, it has to end. I can’t do it anymore. It’s just too hard. I don’t trust him, I don’t trust myself. I’m jealous, suspicious, insecure, and I hate myself for being so weak. I don’t recognize myself anymore.”
“Rach…” she sighs. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah… I’m just.” I close my eyes. “I’m so unhappy.”
There’s a short pause. “So you want to leave him… again?”
I don’t say anything.
“You can’t keep running whenever you feel things aren’t perfect, Rach.”
“I’m not running. I’m going to tell him why we aren’t working, and I’m going to make him understand that maybe it’s best that we let each other go.”
She snorts. “Will you tell him you’re in love with him?”
I’m quiet, and I hear her sigh. “You’ve never faced up to admitting, to him, or even to yourself, what you really want. What would make you less insecure, Rach? Him admitting to being in love with you too? Maybe he is. Maybe you both make it hard for yourselves. The truth is, relationships aren’t always smooth sailing. Maybe the people around you have shielded you from their conflicts so much that you think love is always kisses and sunshine, but that’s not the case. Sometimes you both have to work at it. It’s when one or both partners are uninterested in doing the work that… you know, you call it quits.” She sighs. “Tell him how you feel Rach. If you don’t, he’ll never know, and you’ll always wonder what would have happened if you did. So be honest. Find out for sure how he feels. Stop running. No matter what happens next, you can handle it.”
After our conversation, I sit outside on the balcony, watching the sun set over the horizon. Could I really just tell him? I imagine the worst case scenario, a rejection of my love, and it makes my body stiffen with dread and pain.
I can’t bear that.
I imagine walking away again. I can do that, especially if he doesn’t come after me, to break down my weary walls with the promise of passion and pleasure.
But why would he, now that Ava was back in his life?
The sun turns a brilliant orange, burning up the clouds and sky in a final burst of vivid colors before it dies for the day. Inside the suite, the hotel phone starts to ring and I leave the balcony to answer it. It’s the people from the newly opened spa, asking if I’m ready for them. They arrive soon after, and I sit silently, my mind still in turmoil as my hair, nails, and makeup get the professional treatment.
Afterward, I go back to the bedroom to lay out my dress on the bed, then put on my jewelry, a pair of deep sapphire drop earrings my parents gave me on my twenty-first birthday. The vibrant blue stones remind me now of Landon’s eyes, and there is another sharp pang of impending loss.
In the bathroom mirror, I stare at my reflection. My lips are a rich plum, my eyes rimmed with vibrant shadow and my lashes embellished with a mildly colored mascara. It’s not a look I’m used to, but it’s in line with the theme of the ball and with my dress. The hair stylist had exclaimed with delight when she saw my hairpiece, and she styled my hair in an elaborate curl over one shoulder, with the hairpiece glittering softly along the side of my head.
Making my way back to the bedroom, I’m surprised to find Landon in the dressing room, pulling on the jacket of his tuxedo. I watch him button it, not moving until he sees me in the full-length mirror in front of him. He turns around, his eyes taking me in, lingering on my face. He starts to come towards me, then he stops himself.
