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But I wasn’t generous, not with my time or my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I loved deeply, but in a no-nonsense, practical sort of way. I knew how to give love in terms of caring for someone who needed to be clothed and fed and a roof kept over their head, like Ev had needed when she’d been thirteen and her mam left. I just wasn’t sure I’d ever been good at the other stuff. Emotional intimacy. Commitment. Spending quality time. Being close in a way that opened you up and exposed all your vulnerabilities to another person.
In all honesty, that stuff terrified me.
It was easier to simply be capable, hard-working Yvonne. I was reliable for the practical stuff, would always be a steady hand in a crisis, but I wasn’t reliable when it came to matters of the heart. And I wouldn’t allow Conor to give his heart to someone like me when I didn’t have the ability to protect it like all hearts needed protecting.
When I reached the station I hopped on a busy carriage and held onto a handrail as I slipped out my phone and read Conor’s message again. One part of me wanted to say yes, but the other part, the one that had spent the last two days contemplating all the reasons why starting something with him would be unfair knew I had to decline.
By the time I got home my head hurt from overthinking. I’d gone back and forth over the pros and cons so many times that I was ready to slap myself in the face. I needed to do the responsible, grown up thing.
And that thing was making up an excuse and replying to Conor’s invitation with a bold-faced lie.
Sitting down at my kitchen table, I picked up my phone, drew a deep breath and composed my response.
Hi Conor. So good to hear from you. Thanks for the invitation but I’m working tomorrow night. I hope you, Dylan and Ev have a great time at the event!
Of course, I didn’t have to work. My only plans involved ordering a takeaway, consuming a bottle of wine and curling up with a good book. I momentarily considered putting a kiss at the end of the message, just like he’d done, but again that would be misleading. Still, after I hit ‘send’ I worried I’d been too cold. I needed to decline but I also didn’t want to hurt his feelings. About a half an hour later I received a reply.
No worries. I knew it was short notice. Hopefully we’ll get another chance to see each other soon. x.
Again with the kiss. Was he trying to give me a panic attack? Guilt ate away at me. I considered sending another message, but what would be the point of that? Eventually I went into my bedroom, shut my phone away in a drawer and went to make something for dinner.
The next evening Evelyn was busy getting ready for the gala. I didn’t tell her Conor had invited me to go, too, because I didn’t want her being disappointed in me for declining. I already felt guilty about lying to him. By the time she left I was starving so I changed into some pyjamas and grabbed my phone to order my favourite Chinese soup dumplings.
Hours later I was in bed reading my novel and getting ready to fall asleep when I heard the front door open and voices fill the apartment. I stilled, listening carefully. Ev was out there with both DylanandConor.Crap, crap, crap!My lie was coming home to roost. Here I was tucked up in bed when I was supposed to be working. I regretted not telling Ev about lying to Conor because if she’d known she surely wouldn’t have invited him back here.
A minute later there was a knock on my bedroom door. My heart pounded and panic set in as I ignored it. Then the handle turned and I sat up, freaking out when Ev ducked her head in, a smile on her face.
“Who’s out there?” I whispered, anxiously clutching my book. I already suspected who she’d brought back, unless she’d found two other Dubliners to befriend and invite home.
Ev came in and closed the door behind her, “Just Conor and Dylan,” she replied. “We got bored at the gala and decided to come here. I hope that’s okay.”
“No, it isn’t okay,” I replied, still panicking. “Conor invited me tonight and I told him I was working. I’m going to have to hide in here until they leave.”
“Yvonne, I’m pretty sure Conor knows that was a lie. He isn’t stupid. He knows you don’t want to date him.”
At this even more guilt flooded me. Conor knew I’d lied? Had I hurt his feelings? “Do you think I should go out there and apologise?” I asked.
Ev shrugged. “I’m sure he’d appreciate your honesty.”
Inhaling, I climbed out of bed. “Okay, just let me fix my hair first.” I went to my dressing table, pulled out my hair tie and ran a brush through my wavy strands before turning back to Ev. “How do I look?”
“Gorgeous. Now come on. We have visitors waiting.”
With my nerves thrumming we left my bedroom and entered the living room. Dylan and Conor sat on the couch and as soon as Conor’s eyes rose to mine my nerves increased tenfold. Swallowing thickly, I approached the couch while Ev went to grab some drinks from the kitchen.
My voice was quiet when I said, “Hey. I’m sorry for fobbing you off about tonight.”
Conor’s eyes softened as he dipped his head, his focus running over me. I tugged at the hem of my top, feeling awkward. Though Conor’s expression seemed to say he found my bedwear intriguing. “Don’t worry about it,” he replied.
Something about his kind understanding had me blurting, “Can I give you a hug?”
There was a flicker of surprise in his gold flecked eyes before they warmed. “Sure.”
I lowered myself next to him on the couch and threw my arms around his shoulders. I hoped the hug communicated all the things I was too embarrassed to say out loud. That I was truly sorry and I hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings. That my lie had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and how I wasn’t right for him.
My body sank into his, soft curves against hard muscles. My breath caught when he turned his face to my neck and his nose met the tender spot just below my ear. “Fuck, you smell good,” he whispered so quietly I was sure even Dylan, who sat on the other side of him, hadn’t heard. The gruff note in his voice had me squeezing my thighs against the flood of heat that swarmed me. His hand drifted along my shoulder and down my spine before resting on the small of my back.
My breathing grew uneven and I saw his jaw working when I finally pulled away. I could’ve stayed like that for hours, just letting him hold me. Something in his warm look told me Conor knew I didn’t mean any harm by lying to him. I just didn’t want to lead him on. Even though the more I sat next to him, inhaling his clean, masculine scent and feeling his skin every time his arm brushed against mine, the more I wanted to lead him into my bedroom and let him do whatever his teenage self had once fantasised about doing with me.
