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‘Did they?’
‘Is that not true then?’
‘Not strictly. Look, it’s complicated.’
Ruth sighs exaggeratedly. ‘More secrets.’
‘It’s not like that,’ I tell her. ‘I’ll tell you as soon as I can, OK?’
‘It’s fine,’ she says as she gets up. ‘Really. I guess I thought our friendship meant more to you than it obviously does.’
‘Don’t, Ruth,’ I beg her as she turns to walk away. ‘I know I should have told you about Lee and me, and I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah, well. I’ll see you in the office, I suppose.’
I watch her as she goes, shoulders hunched in defiance. Whatever happens in the meeting, it looks like this whole debacle might have cost me a friend. Despite the sugar lumps, the espresso is still way too strong for me and I abandon it after the first sip. Instead, I just sit there until five to eleven, when I get up to make the short journey to the office. I can’t think how many times I’ve done this walk, but I feel like I’m walking to the gallows today. I swear the receptionist eyes me with suspicion when I give her my name. I know I’m being ridiculous; there’s no way she would know what I’m accused of or what my fate is going to be, but my paranoia levels are through the roof.
By the time Jonathan appears to collect me, nearly a quarter of an hour after the meeting was due to start, I’m glad I decided to wear a jacket, as I’ve sweated so much, my blouse is clinging to my back and I’m sure I have damp patches under my arms. I’m also relieved he doesn’t try to shake my hand, for the same reason.
‘Ella, I’m so sorry for keeping you. My previous meeting overran; you know what it’s like. Do come on through.’
I get up and start to follow Jonathan, assuming that he’s going to take me through the barriers to one of the staff meeting rooms, so I’m unpleasantly surprised when he leads me across the lobby to one of the meeting rooms that we normally use for visitors.
‘We thought this would be easier without the whole office peering over and trying to work out what’s going on,’ he tells me, obviously sensing my disquiet. I’m frantically trying to get any clues I can from his demeanour. He seems to be back to normal, friendly Jonathan, which is a good sign, but he doesn’t look completely at ease in the way that he usually does when he’s talking to me, which isn’t.
‘Sharon will join us in a minute,’ he says, as we take our seats opposite each other at the table. The visitor meeting rooms have nicer furniture in them than the employee ones, but this isn’t helping me. The plush upholstery of the chair I’m sitting on is pressing my damp blouse against my back, reminding me how sweaty and nervous I am.
‘So, how have you been?’ he asks, obviously trying to fill the tense silence while we wait for Sharon.
How the fuck do you think I’ve been?I want to scream at him. Instead, I muster a thin smile and say, ‘Oh, you know. I went and spent a few days with my family, which was nice. How about you? How’s Lucas?’
His face clears as soon as I mention his favourite topic of conversation. I can’t see, but I suspect the manspread is widening with pride.
‘We think we’ve hit a milestone,’ he enthuses. ‘He’s slept all the way through the night for four nights in a row now. Obviously, we’re trying not to count our chickens, but it’s making such a difference.’
‘That’s good, I’m really pleased for you.’ I’m trying to sound bright and genuine, but my reply gets choked off as Sharon from HR joins us.
‘Ella, thank you for coming in, and sorry I’m late,’ she begins, as she settles herself next to Jonathan. She smiles, but I notice that it doesn’t reach her eyes. At least her voice is relatively friendly; I try to take comfort from that. She’s brought a folder with her, from which she removes a sheaf of papers, placing them in a neat pile in front of her. It feels like I’m about to be interviewed, but I’m aware I could also be facing my firing squad.
‘OK,’ she says, once she’s checked through her pile of papers, presumably to make sure she has everything. ‘I need to check a few things with you, and then I’ll explain where we’ve got to and what happens next. Are you happy with that?’
‘Yes.’ I’m not, of course I’m not, but I don’t really have a choice. She and Jonathan hold all the cards. I can’t remember the last time I felt so vulnerable.
‘Do you understand why you were suspended?’
‘Yes. But I genuinely didn’t know what Lee was up to, I promise.’ I can hear the desperation in my voice, but I don’t care. It’s more than the job now; it’s my reputation on the line.
‘I believe you,’ she replies, and I nearly fall off my seat with astonishment.
‘I’m sorry? Does that mean…’
‘Ian has been through your laptop and everything checked out. We are satisfied that, whatever Lee did, you had no knowledge of it, and you certainly weren’t an active participant. I’m really sorry that we had to put you through this process, but I hope that you can understand that we needed to be certain, and that there were sufficient grounds for us to suspect you.’
I’m innocent. That’s all I care about. As the knot of tension that I’ve carried for the past week dissipates, my head suddenly feels incredibly heavy and I lower it into my hands for a few seconds, taking a few deep breaths to steady myself.
‘Are you all right? Do you need a few minutes, some fresh air?’ Sharon asks.
‘I’m fine, sorry,’ I reply, lifting my head again. ‘It’s just a huge relief, that’s all.’
