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"It’s probably why he told you not to come into the office anymore. He wanted to spare you the going crazy whenever you see him."
"And if I don’t catch glimpses of him on a daily basis, that’s worse."
"But you don’t want to move in with him, do you?" She taps her fingers together.
"Not yet. I mean, I do, but if I did, it’s like I’m giving in. And I don’t think I’m ready, yet."
“And why is that? You know the truth about Bobbie. Is that still holding you back?”
I shake my head. “I understand why he did that. And I’m proud of him for helping out his friend.”
“Then what is it?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, “I can’t help but think he’s hiding something else from me. It’s nothing I can put my finger on. It’s just an instinct, you know?”
She nods slowly. “When you’re married, you sense these things about your spouse, so you’re probably right.”
Of course, what I have with Knight did not start out as a real marriage. And now? Now, I’m not sure what it is I have with him.
“Knight’s been through a lot. Marrying you has changed him, though. He’s calmer, better adjusted to civilian life. For someone who, until a month ago, was held behind enemy lines, it’s a sea change in temperament.”
I lower my chin. “You’re right. Of course you are. Maybe I’m expecting too much from him? Maybe it’s unreasonable of me to think he’s ready to share all of his secrets with me?”
“Or maybe, he hasn't been able to voice what happened to him yet. He may not be willing to face things himself. And until he comes to terms himself with what happened… Perhaps, there are things he can’t tell you because he hasn't acknowledged them to himself yet?”
I draw in a breath. “Everything you say makes a lot of sense. And I want to be patient. I do. I’m sure, given time, he’ll be willing to share more, it’s just—” I hitch a shoulder. “I don’t know; I’m not ready to move back, is all.”
"When do you think will you be ready?" She leans forward in her chair. "Not that I’m putting pressure on you or anything. In fact, I’d prefer you figure things out completely before you see him again. These men,"—she nods toward the door—"they tend to screw things up in your head when you see them. You’re probably better off taking a job somewhere else and putting distance between the two of you as you work through your feelings for him."
"But if I do that, if I move out of the picture completely, wouldn’t that send a signal to your father that all is not well? Wouldn’t it make him want to change his mind about handing over the company to him?"
"You’re not living with him anyway," she points out.
I stab the toe of my pink ballet flats—yeah, I decided to switch it up from heels today. I woke up feeling like everything that could go wrong would today. In a bid to self-soothe, I opted for comfort over style. Pink baggy jeans and a loose top with my most comfortable cardigan over that complete my casual ensemble. Too bad, if I don’t look as polished as the stupid receptionist, or Giorgina, for that matter. Right now, it's time for some self-care, and if this is what I need to feel good, then so be it. I’m not going to deprive myself of what my instincts say I need.
And what about what he needs? He’s your husband. No longer fake husband. I don’t know what’s happening between us, but this relationship which twists my guts and makes me want to puke every time I think of a future without him is not a fake one. Not at all.
"I’m not pregnant," I burst out.
She stills. "Did you think you were pregnant?"
I pop a shoulder, unable to look at her.
"Hold on"—she stiffens—"is that why Knight married you? Because he thought you were carrying his baby?"
"That might have been one of the considerations, yes. But forget about that. You know how your father was hoping for him to have a child within the first year of marriage? Guess that’s not going to happen, either. When I told Knight, I thought he’d be upset, or angry, or disappointed, but he was very understanding. He told me not to do anything I don’t want to do. That if I'm not ready for a baby, he's fine with that."
"He did?" She seems taken aback, then a small smile curves her lips. "He did, huh?"
"It took me by surprise, too. But then a lot of what he’s doing of late seems to be out of character."
"Not if you knew him before he was taken by the enemy. My brother is one of the warmest, most generous, most easy-going people I know. It’s why, though he went against our father’s wishes, my parents didn’t disown him completely. Not like me."
"It hurts, huh?"
She half laughs. "To their credit, once I got married, they did make up with me and welcomed Cade to the family."
"They did?" I frown. "No one else from your family has met me yet."
