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“I’m not some born again virgin hypocrite. It’s done. I can’t go back.” I closed my eyes and whispered, “And I can’t convince myself I didn’t like it.”
“What do you mean?” He stumbled over his words, trying to get them out quickly.
I forced my eyes open to look at him as I spoke. “I realized two things when I was inside you. One, I’ve never felt like that with anyone, and I’m sure I never will again. And two, there is no undoing it.”
He cupped my face, soft and loving. I leaned into it, craving the comfort. I needed the reassurance. My ground felt so unsteady.
“Will you kiss me when you’re not mad at me?” His vulnerability eased some of my own. How could he go through all of what he had in life and still open up? It felt braver than anything I’d ever done.
I put my hand over his and stepped closer to meet his lips.
He sighed, releasing a shaky breath. “It’s hard to believe this is real.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“I’ve put you through so much when I’ve always sworn to be the one protecting you.” I shook my head, eyes welling up. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to come to terms with this. You deserve so much more.”
He grabbed the back of my head and kissed me harder. “I just want it to be real. I don’t want you to decide you can’t do it. I’m scared.”
“I’m scared, too.” I wiped a tear off his cheek. “Look at me.”
Aspen opened his eyes, red rimmed and shining with his tears. “What?”
“I’m not going to do that to you. I won’t let anyone hurt you, even myself.”
He shook his head, rejecting it. “You can’t make that promise. You don’t know how you’re going to feel tomorrow or in a year. What if you’re really straight?”
“I can, and I am, making that promise. I don’t know what I am, gay or straight or whatever, but I know you are my best friend. I know I love you, and I have for a long time—”
Aspen cut me off. “Love and attraction are different. Like you’ve said, you’ve loved me for a long time. But I never made you hard before. What if it was just a curiosity thing you got out of your system?”
I took his hand from my heart and put it on my hard-on. “You didn’t let me finish. I know you make me hard even if I don’t understand it. You did this.” I closed his fingers around my cock and helped him stroke.
He groaned, finding my mouth again. “The newness might wear off. Maybe you’re bored with vaginas.”
“I’m not bored.” I kept using his hand to jack myself off, his fingers, calloused from playing the guitar as long as he had, added to the sensation. I needed more.
“Will you be comfortable with intimacy or just fucking me from behind?” Now he was looking for things.
“I’m kissing you while you stroke my cock.”
“You close your eyes.” He rubbed his nose over mine like he was testing me.
“Don’t most people?” I countered, a little amused by the conversation.
“So you’ll fuck me and kiss me?”
“Yes.”
“What about this?” Aspen pressed his body flush to mine while releasing my cock to wrap his arm around my back, like he could prevent me from going anywhere. He rocked his hips, rubbing us together.
I hissed out in pleasure, the warm water making us slide together so easily, heightening the sensation. “Holy fuck.”
“Bad?!” he accused.
“No. Don’t you dare fucking stop.” I grabbed his ass with both hands, making sure he couldn’t.
