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Since I have another twenty minutes before the plane touches down at my own personal tarmac, I’ll populate tonight’s horny Hawaiians to see who’s recently logged in. I might’ve mentioned that I’m the gay about town. So I know a few of these smug dipshits sliding out of view, as my thumb swipes through the discordance of assholes.Literally.
Ohhh. This profile leaves me intrigued.Amongst the endless grid is a picture of a banana. Simply just a banana lying by itself on a wooden surface for no rhyme or reason. This guy‘Must Love Fruits’must have quite the sense of humor. So naturally I hammer away at the keyboard to spark a conversation. A simple greeting and‘how’s it going?’suffices my urge, before continuing the search for other randy fuckers looking to get laid.
I have half a mind to reply to Jimmie and tell him what I really think of him. But my conscience won’t allow it. Surely if I did stoop to his level, it’d likely become the very next thing to explode on Instagram. Or God forbid fucking TikTok. A person might think‘Daddy Reid Fairchild’would be sucked into the vortex of social media.
Despite my face showing all over the net from parties to banquets, that would be one giant underestimation on their part. All those platforms are the devil. Everyone who‘follows’me on either of them would be pleasantly surprised to know that I pay a girl in Piedmont, North Dakota named Mandy, to manage my online presence.Screw Jimmie.He’s not worth a dignified reply.
If there’s something which has changed within me over the last year, it’s a greater sense of peace and harmony.I know that sounds like a major fucking joke, because I’m the richest, queerest, overly dramatic cis white man to roam the planet.But I digress. Giving Wade the proverbial boot made me turn a major corner. Apart from alcohol, I’ve also steered clear of noxious substances. Friends at parties will frequently offer me coke, but my answer is always a resounding‘no.’
My only drug, if anything at all, is the sexual proclivities which loom over this pretty boy essence of mine. Finding a fuckbuddy isn’t difficult.Every gay man from Honolulu to Prague wants my fat cock inside them.The hard part is having a semblance of permanency from someone who doesn’t want to become the next Anna Nicole Smith. I’d probably die if somebody actually loved me for who I am on the inside, rather than be enamored by my fame and fortune.And if that constant guy happens to surface in my life, they’d better not oppose submitting themselves to my every carnal whimsy.
Deboarding my plane leaves my hunger growing by the minute. I duck through the back entrance, where I’m greeted by none other than my four legged floofer. For all intents and purposes, let’s just say Nani is my canine spouse.
“Aloha my baby girl,” I greet her, combing my fingers through her luxurious fur.
Ever the princess she is, this Newfoundland babe doesn’t argue with me. She never even reminds me of my shortcomings. Nope. The weight of unconditional love which can be expected from her is all I’ve needed in the absence of a reliable man.Fucking reliable? Fuck Jimmie. I’m not a total flake, just busy.Nani follows my lead, passing the maid’s quarters in the process. Another winding hallway ushers us into the massive kitchen, where we spot Kaimana pushing around a dustmop.
“Aloha, Mr. Reid,” she responds sweetly. “I didn’t think you would be coming home so soon.”
I growl at the reminder, but it’s not her fault. “As it so turns out, I’m not welcome in their circle of idiots any longer,” I admit behind gritted teeth.
“Oh no,” Kaimana responds, wiping a small trail of sweat from her brow. “Luka left for the weekend already.”
Kaimana has been on my payroll for ten years. Long before I’d been granted the family throne. She’s quite adept at keeping every square inch of this place in shipshape. While she’s paid incredibly well, I consider her a close friend. There are a few things that I’ve confided in only her, and she hasn’t ever given me an inkling of distrust. It’s honestly fine that my private chef has left for the weekend—I’m ordering the greasiest, cheesiest pizza anyway.
“Oh my nani hoaloha,” I reply over a shoulder as Princess Nani and I traipse towards the stairwell. “I’m gonna order a pizza,” I add, gesturing to the great room. “Would you mind grabbing it at the door?”
“Of course, Mr. Reid,” she smiles, blowing the lush bangs from her face. “Anything else I can do for you this evening?”
My head wavers. “Not at all,” I affirm. “In fact, you work way too damned much,” I add. “What would you say to taking the weekend off for yourself?” I suggest, reaching in my wallet for a spontaneous bonus. “Take Alemea to dinner and a movie,” I finish, shuffling towards her to place the money on my kitchen island. “I’ll catch Konnor before he calls it a night, so he can provide a lift to Kona.”
“You’re so good to me, Mr. Reid,” she gleams. “Thank you.”
Ascending the steps to my private quarters leaves me wondering if Kaimana will actually take some time off. She works way too hard. And if I’m being honest, I’d love to have some naked male energy tottering around my mansion this weekend. Not that she hasn’t seen this sort of activity before.
Well, there’s one place in my entire abode she’s never stepped a single foot inside. My vision zeroes-in on the handle to my playroom, just across the hall from my master suite.I better find a guy tonight.A stark reminder skirts through my mind as I scuffle into the dressing room.It’s been months since I’ve hosted company in there.Besides underwear or my hands, my tender dick practically feels neglected at this point.
* * *
Kaimana’s farewell over the intercom gives me a jolt while I sit here in my upper level entertainment room, remote in hand.
“I’m off, Mr. Reid,” she announces. “Your pizza is on the breakfast counter,” she adds. “Thank you for letting me visit my daughter.”
I quickly scoop my phone from the cushion next to me, thumbing to a pinned app which wirelessly connects to the home intercom system. “Don’t mention it at all, go have some fun.”
I’ve been refreshing my Grindr every few minutes, waiting to see if‘banana boy’has responded. Or if he’s left me on‘read’entirely. Nani follows me downstairs to help retrieve my fresh pineapple pizza with ham. I don’t know why it gets such a bad rap on the mainland. Because down here, it’s more of a staple than milk.
Being ignored on Grindr is more of a frequent occasion than I care to admit. For me especially. Being who I am, I have to remain vigilant in how I interact with the men on dating sites. Though, tonight seems to be when my losing streak decides to take a much needed vacation. To my surprise,‘Banana boy’has indeed responded to my subtle horniness. I find myself stopped in my tracks once Nani and I reach the kitchen.He’s clever. I love his snarky reply.
I retrieve my large pie from the surface, immediately turning back around for the stairs. All the while teeming with a carbonated sense of adventure.This could be fun.Of course, his reply is every bit as concealed as his profile picture.Who am I to judge with my discreet profile picture?I rarely ever ask a guy for their photos until I’m one-hundred percent certain on meeting in the flesh. And when they ask for me to reveal my identity, all they’ll get is my middle name. Down here, my first name is rarer than Madonna.
He’s a Schitt’s Creek fan too? No way!The fact that we have such a common interest right off the bat bodes well for my eagerness to hook up. Anyone who loves Dan Levy like I do is worthy of my time. I find it mildly ironic that he should be watching it at the same time as me.Strange for him to be eating pizza like I’m about to do also.There’s one caveat to our conversation. Judging by his displayed distance, we won’t be fucking tonight.Damn. Konnor is taking Kaimana to the Big Island already.
A warm bite from my pizza gives me a second to engineer the best possible response. I’m horny, but I can’t come off as desperate straight out of the gate.Nobody likes an impatient gay, do they?I’ll add some more anonymity to the mix by adopting a sort of Texan demeanor.
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit. That’s my favorite show ever.
And I’m eating pizza also.
